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Friday, February 19, 2010

You don't have to help everyone -- start with yourself

1. through out my life i have been betrayed by the men closest to me in one way or another. i lost my virginity from being raped, i've been raped 3 times since then. my mom has told me i make loving me too difficult for anyone. but im the most caring person you'll ever meet.. i wish i could help every one.

2. when i was a little kid my dad would come into my room at night and stand over my bed, i always acted like i was asleep. i was so afraid when my bed time rolled around, i was scared of what he was going to do each night. he used to stare at me, hit me, call me names and tell me how worthless i am.
he would tear apart my room, throw my stuff around, even my mattress, and go through my panties, when i would come home he would have some ( pretty ones ) hanging on my door or something for me to see, he would tell me that he took pictures of them, i guess to embarrass me and say i shouldn't wear things like that. im not talking about thongs or anything slutty... i used to pray that he would die.
still to this day i act as if it never happened when we see each other. when i say good bye he always tries to kiss me on the lips. no one seems to notice, but i notice he does it to one of my sisters as well. we dont talk about it.

3. i tried to get to know my real father, i wanted that my whole life..in return he tried to get me to sleep with him. i didn't, he then kicked me out also because i saw him having sex with a man.
i lied to every one as to why he kicked me out...i dont know why.

4. i'm so tired of feeling like i'll never find my place. the only reason i am where i am right now is because they feel like they have to have me here but i know its only a matter of time until i'll have to leave here too.
i keep making plans for the future but i know it will not happen. i'm just one of those easily disposable people, have been from birth. if given the chance things would be so much different and better. i try to show how i feel but come off looking crazy because i don't know how.

5. my daughter is my whole world, with out her i wouldn't be able to function. being a mom is the one thing i'm really good at.. my biggest fear is that she's going to grow up asking the same questions i did while growing up. it terrifies me to no end that her dad will never give us another try. its going to be my fault because i'm not good enough. my biggest dream... is for us to be an actual family and together even if its just for a little while. so we can say to her, we tried. i'm a good mom and i don't want to let her down.

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