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Showing posts with label Funny Secrets. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Secrets. Show all posts

Face creamer

1. Before I broke up with my last girlfriend, I jerked off into her jar of face cream and mixed it in.  I wonder if she is still using that jar every night.

2. When I as six years old, I accidently trod on my cousin's toy helicopter.  His sister got the blame and smacked hard for it because her parents thought she broke it deliberately out of malice.  Still feel bad for that 5 yo little girl and that I was too scared to own up.

3. I used to work in a gas station.  The woman who worked the shift before me always used to get a ride home in the tanker from the guy who delivered the gas.  One day I saw the tanker parked out of town and stopped and looked in.  There was the woman giving oral sex to the tnaker driver.  I told the other gas station workers who named her the 'tanker wanker' and the whole story got back to the woman's husband.  He divorced her.  I feel bad for the woman, she wasn't a bad person; I feel worse for the kid whose world must have been ripped apart when her parents split.

4. I am a racist, am secretly proud of it and consider that America would be better off and less at risk if we deported all the muslims - extreme or otherwise.  The acid test should be you can stay if you draw a picture of the profit Mohamed then wipe your butt with it.

5. I went to school overseas as an exchange for one semester.  School I went to had too many students and not enough dorm rooms. I stayed with a little 70 yo old lady who rented out a room in her home to students.  It was ghastly, she was a mean person; I was charged 5 pounds extra for every electrical item I had - electric razor, laptop, ipod, phone etc.  I could hear her and her boyfriend being intimate through the thin walls at night; and she had a pot under her bed to pee in; I could hear all that too.
When I left after three months of hell, I sprayed a suspension of mushroom spores all over the carpet in my room.  Never heard if it ever grew up into mushrooms or just became a hyphal mat.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight


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Honesty and cruelty are different things

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I need some of those pills

1) I'm going to do my own business and do investments and every one in my family talks down on my dreams because they r so boring and safe. Only the select FEW (as in 2 or 3) believe in me and those r the only ones is help or take with me on lavish vacations and the rest of my family can suck it and wish they believed in me at first

2) I pick my nose and stick them under counters, chairs, couches etc if I have no tissue.

3)  all my ex best friend did was complain I like to b happy so I'm glad we grew apart. I felt like I had a nagging wife sometimes. Complain this and complain that...ugh

4) I need to be more athletic, there r so many sex moves I wanna try....but sometimes its just too much work lol.

5) when I lose weight people compliment and ask what I'm doing. Although I don't really lie, in this case I brag about exercise and eating right and what they should do....when really I take diet pills. Hahahaha

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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A free lunch

I really want to fuck B.H. I know that she loves to fuck because not only does she make it known, but "others" that we work with have told me about her need to orgasm a few times a day. Just not sure if I'm her type.

Porn doesn't interest me any more.

I've got this Latin girl that I want to do, but I think she's looking for something serious.

Me and a friend did a train on this girl and he got mad because she was paying more attention to me. Sorry my dick is bigger bro. Its all about the gurth. Hahaha!

One of my coworkers is trying to hook me up with her married friend. She's going through a divorce and has a big crush on me. We've talked a few times and she's a cool girl. Pretty as hell. We have good conversation and she even paid for my lunch last time. That's different. I might have to spend some more time with this one.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Looks can be deceiving

I'm a married bisexual. I've given blowjobs but never had sex with a man. That's something that I'd like to explore.

Occasionally my wife will use a vibrator or a dildo on me while she gives me head.

She doesn't like when I use the term bi. I think because she's not completely comfortable with the idea of me with a real dick in me although she has such a good time when its her 9" strap on.

I got hit on by a guy in walmart, then he noticed my wedding ring. I told my wife and she laughed. She was like, "you don't even look gay" lol!

I check out guys packages


Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: bisexual



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Original prankster

1. I pick my nose in private

2. I'm doing the Atkins and it makes you pee all the time.  I went to a public convenience, there was a creepy guy there.  I went to my customers premises and stopped in the same convenience after.  It was 2 hours later and the same creep was still there in the same place.  He works my local grocery store and is like 50 yo.  Ick.

3. My sister lied on her job application about her qualifications and got the job.  I'd never tell, but it's not right; she has deprived someone with genuine good grades of that position.

4. My neighbours cat keeps pooping in our garden and it really tears up the plants when it makes a half-assed attempt to bury the waste.  I put my friend's pit bull in the garden every day for 2 weeks.  It got the cat and tore it up pretty good.  The dog was always gone before the neighbour came home. It cost 400 bucks for the vet to patch the cat up.

5. We were in my friends house eating junk food.  I took an egg from a basket on his table and put it on his seat just before he sat down.  He thought it was my other friend, and threw a pint of water over him, my other friend got up and punched the egged friend.  It went totally nuts in about 5 seconds.  Then his Dad turned up and kicked us all out.  Never meant to cause mayhem but it was too funny.  I'm still giggling about it as I write this.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Midget boning is that new Olympic event right?

One of my coworkers friends does piercings at her house and I had her pierce my penis. She said she needed it hard to pierce it so I let her get me hard by giving me a HJ while my coworker watched.

When I lost weight, my penis grew. Now I don't mind showing to any girl who wants to see it.

I had sex with a little person. Midgets get wasted pretty fast so by the time I was buzzed she was beyond ready to go. It was great! I want to bone a midget at least once a month now.

Sometimes I drive naked late at night and masturbate with a condom on so I don't get cum all over my car.

I shave my pubes completely off and don't wear underwear.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Any best friend is better than none

1. I'm a vegetarian but I LOVE to eat the breading off of fried chicken
2. I wish I was happier
3. I do not view myself as pretty
4. I am in love with a girl who never love me back
5. Sometimes I think my parole officer is my best friend

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: n/a


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Chubby chasers suddenly make more sense

I hate my stepmom's mutt.  It's not properly housetrained and keeps crapping everywhere.  I did a shit in it's basket.  The dog got the blame, but now it knows what it feels like.

I was in this cafe, the guy next to me reached over and took my little pack of biscuits, opened them and ate one.  So I reached over took them back and ate one.  The crazy freak did the same thing again so I took the pack back and ate the last one.  He finished his coffee muttered I was an asshole and left.  I finished my coffee and got ready to go.  I picked up my newspaper and underneath it was my pack of biscuits.

I superglued all the lock mechanisms in the padlocks on PJ Moran's bar in NYC after it closed because the waitress gave me my bill and hand wrote her tip on in biro.  She wrote so hard she tore the check.

I am working on a theory that vaginal tightness is related to body fat percentage.  Real skinny chics are looser.  There is a lot more research to be done to prove my theory, but don't worry I'm up to the job.

I shaved my friend's eyebrow off (just the one) when he was drunk because he was snoring. He went off to work next morning and was serving gas for more than 4 hours before anyone told him. He still doesn't know it was me.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Hot New Spectator Sport: Dick Jump

1.  For some reason today I feel like everything is gonna work out.  I've learned my lesson.  I'm stil trying to work things out but idk.
2.  I did some dumb shit lastnight I fuckin stayed over at my friends house pretended to be asleep but before that I let my dick hang out of my boxers and was peeping through a small hole through my arm to see if he was watching.  LMFAO.
3.  I did the whole make my dick jump thing too....he was watching....it sooooo turned me on.
4. I still have a crush on this guy at work.  Idk sometimes I get signals sometimes I don't.  Makes me wonder if its just me looking too far into shit.
5.  I'm ready to be done with 2010.  I learned everything I need to know and I'm ready to apply that to 2011.  I think its gonna be my year.  Word

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: n/a



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Or maybe she has a husband...

I made out with this beautiful girl at the club lastnight and all I got was her name. Its driving me crazy that I didn't get her #!

I never met someone so smart and outgoing. I instantly wanted to get to know everything about this girl. She was amazing. Plus she's a Dodger's fan. Oh well. I guess some things are just not meant to be.

I know this feeling. I've had it before. It sucks. I've been thinking about her all day and I will never see her again. She told me that when she kept coming back for more kisses while she and her friends were waiting for their car. I feel so used. Maybe she believes that if you love something, you let it go or some bullshit. Whatever

Anyway. I'm flying out to see my parents in Vegas. I usually drive but I got a free ticket sooo...
When I get there I am hitting the clubs hard. I got to bounce back from this last fiasco. Haha! J/k

Oh yeah. My roomate is totally not wing man material. What a fucking cock blocker. Sorry dude but you are.

*** to my dream girl. Thanks for a good time. Even if you were just using me ;)

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Anechka is a fucking cool name

1.) I play soccer and basketball, I have a good job, good grades and a well-like boyfriend, I'm on student council and I'm a suicidal closet lesbian.
2.) I copied all my essays from "To Kill a Mockingbird" off of my sister's computer- she got me all A's.
3.) I stole Birth Control from my mother and big sister just in case.
4.) I photo-shop all the pictures of my friends' in I so they look bigger than me.
5.) I am adopted from Russia, and I pretend it doesn't bother me they changed my name from Anechka to Jenifer.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: other



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Culture & class

1.) I continue to buy classical music on iTunes so those around me think I have culture and class.
2.) I tell my fiance watching porn is wrong, even though I do it more than him.
3.) I don't believe in God but I go every Sunday to St. Patrick's catholic church - so that I can have more friends.
4.) I smoked weed all four years of college and also was on the students against Drug Abuse Committee.
5.) I lost my virginity at age 16 in Church Camp, out of shame we never told our friends, My older cousin got me the morning after pill.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Hope it's not the one about Jon Stewart!

1) A lesbian couple I meet as a friend of a friend kind of thing asked me to have a threesome with them. They even offered to pay. I would have considered it (but probably not the pay, I'd feel odd about that) if I was attracted to them but they are both really obese (300lbs-ish each) and I'm not turned on by that. So I told them no but that I was flattered and hoped we can still be cool. I think we will.

2) I'm a really, really excellent liar and manipulator. I  have to really keep it in mind to use my powers for good and not evil or at least not on loved ones and people I actually respect and care for or I'd be a totally shitty person. But damn, I'm good. And if I had no realization it was shitty I would be great.

3) I'm in my 20's but I'm being gifted the gift of a breast aug by mi madre. I had a crappy childhood so I deserve something from the women who had me right? Besides her years of love, support, friendship and being a great mom...? Wrong. No, I totally don't but I ****WANT**** the double d chest candy so Mama is stepping in and generously giving it to me. Seem to contradict my previous secret. Manipulation, lies and all that. Don't worry...it doesn't. I told my mom essentially the exact same thing as I just wrote. I just want them so freaking bad and she is in the position to give. But technically this is still a secret, because I'm a fucking BRAT and she's never going to fess up to bankrolling my boobs. I'm lucking enough to be able to be an embarrassingly huge adult spoiled brat in this way.

4) I look like a bimbo / dumb blond but I'm an uber elitist liberal political geek. I tell everyone that the rally to restore sanity kinda sucked as it was sort of...pointless, misguided, poorly organized (?) and all that singing was just ughh and this is not untrue but I'd still fuck Jon Stewart.

5) I'm writing this with a huge smile on my face. I've masturbated to some of the secrets I've read here, I've cried over some of them and occasionally Ive gotten the giggles over them (in a good way). One of these secrets is a lie, can you guess which one?

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual


[BOOOO! I just realized that adding the poll to the post was causing issues with the apps. For app users, at least on iDevices, trying to read the post resulted in being automatically routed to the poll without first getting to see the secrets. Drat! I have removed the poll for the time being. For those who are curious, with 68 votes in #1 and #4 were almost tied for being the false secret. However, keep in mind that a lot of people voting probably didn't read the post first :| For my part, I have NO IDEA. But I really do hope it's not the one about Jon Stewart. I feel the same way about him haha :) Expect to see more polls in the future, after I've had a chance to talk to my app developer about how to prevent these complications in the future. 
K]


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Bad dick be gone

1. my [ex] boyfriend ended the relationship. i cheated on him anyway.
2. when we got back together, i was not satisfied with the sex...he just didnt compare to my previous boyfriend who happened to be black. Hence, i couldnt get the thought in my head that my "boyfriends" dick, hard, was the size of my black ex, soft. LOL
3. i still used my dildo at home after sex wit the guy. Damn, i just realized how much happier i am without bad dick.
4. i have a fantasy of fucking up this chick, sooo bad. i have dreams of banging her head on the train pole. is that bad? if i see her, i think my dream will come true.
5. i like girls.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: none chosen


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Hit and run and hit again

* I hit my boss car accidently and drove off
** I accidently backed into my step dads truck...
*** I steal things from ppl that trust me and think that I won't.
**** I don't think I'm attracted 2 my boyfriend anymore. He lost weight and I've never liked a thin guy.
***** I think I have a mental illness :-(

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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Mom sees all

(I'm gay 19) I have a fuck buddy thats a year younger than my mom she is 37. He's amazing

If it wern't for a some things i'd be in absolute love with him.

We've had sex on my mom's bed a couple times and there is still a spot on the carpet i'm neglecting to clean up.

I don't know why I am having a hard time opening up to him.

I think she knows about him...

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Ipecac has nothing on this

1. Ahhhhh I'm so fuckin lonely right now.  I could have a bf but im in the fuckin closet.  It's killing me.  I have so much love to give and I wanna do the date thing movies dinner all that stuff.  I'm also black, but I only like white guys yeah I know goodluck right?

2. I fuckin hate when men shave their pubes off. white guys' pubes and armpit hair are so sexy.  I think I like their leg hair too and hair on their asses.  Oh and I absolutely looooooove happy trails.  If ur an in the closet white non flaming gay guy between the ages of 20-27 that lives in pa and you like black guys you need to leave me your email on here somehow haha sorry K ill never do that again I promise.

3. This guy that mows my grass is so sexy so next time hes over here mowing im getting but naked and going by the window to jack off.  I will make sure he sees me too.

4. I hate onions, pussy, and mayo all the same.  I'm 100 percent sure I'd throw up if I ate either of the 3.

5.  I'm a top but I wouldn't mind being versatile.

bonus....I would love to see justin bieber naked.  I love when he wears tight pants. Him and the jonas brothers which btw he replaced this year.

Bonus #2 hey if the one percenter guy is still out there can u let someone know.  I've been concerned ever since he said he'd be dead by the time we read his secrets.

[Admin here --

I posted a while back about people leaving emails in their posts -- I don't remove emails from posts anymore unless it looks like the person is only leaving the email for me (i.e., without comment at the end of the post), as opposed to for readers. So solicit sexy sedated white boys all you want, honey. 

Also, I've never understood the Bieber thing, but I'm an old lady I guess. 

And finally, your number four made me LOL. Hilarious. I'm so glad it's not everyone ;)

K]

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Chili con carne


My friend has asthma. I put his inhaler up my ass and laughed at him when he was forced to use it to get a breath. 

I have rough skin on my feet I like to pick bits of it off and cook it in the chilli I feed to guests. Then I laugh at them for being canibals. 

Once, in NYC, an Irish waitress was really rude and nasty to us.  I went back later and put superglue in all the padlocks on the grates over the front windows and doors. 

I have peed off the top of a good proportion of world 
landmarks including: Petronas towers, golden gate bridge, Brooklyn bridge, Space needle, Edinburgh Castle and Eiffel tower.

But I've had sex in one of the cabs on the London eye  




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Mad spatula skills


Simple.

1) I am a tomboy, but I like girls. . For some reason I always end up with straight girls.

2) My friends call me a spatula cuz they say I turn girl's over for me. HAHAHA!

3) I dislike penis'!

4) I'm a really good singer, but I'm really shy showing it. .

5) Some guy in a gang almost shot my brains out.

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