You'll Think of Me

1. I used to be a borderline alcoholic. I got pregnant 7 months ago and quit drinking. 6 months ago I miscarried. I tried a few times to drink again, but for some reason I just couldn't take more than a few sips before I couldn't stand it anymore. I got pregnant again 3 months ago. This time the pregnancy is still going. I've never wanted a drink more than I do right now.

2. I've been from therapist to therapist my entire life. I never once wanted to go and it got to the point where I was getting court orders to attend because the doctors saw it so "needed" even though I wouldn't talk. Now I've lost the insurance that covered therapy, and am completely broke. There are no free therapy programs around where I live. For the first time in my life, I would do ANYTHING to go to therapy.

3. Keith Urban's song, "You'll Think of Me" made me finally ask myself "what the Hell am I doing?" I'm going nowhere but downhill in life. I've had a huge problem with this lately, but I can't seem to get past my anxiety to do anything beneficial. The few times where I do feel strong enough to get past the anxiety, I'm always too tired of fighting it by then, and just don't care anymore. I was coping with my downhill-guarantee at least enough to get through each day. After listening to that song, I KNOW something NEEDS to be done. I also know that nothing will happen because now I feel more hopeless than ever.

4. I'm engaged, pregnant, have a caring family, and have a dog that's always been there for me even though I now live hours away from him. I just got a cat 2 days ago...I honestly feel that my cat is the only thing that will stay by my side forever.

5. My biggest fear has always been that I would become just like my birth-mom with my children. I was taken away and adopted out due to her mental issues making her severely unfit and a lot of abuse and neglect happened behind closed doors with my step-father that she kept secret. I know I would never abuse or neglect my children or let anyone else harm them. But it's still always been a constant fear. I no longer fear that will be a problem though. Now I fear my child will be the kindergartner at school who doesn't have a mommy because it's mom killed itself before it was even old enough to remember her. I used to be strong enough to know that would never happen...Now I'm more sure than not that I won't be strong enough to stay alive, even for my own child. Knowing this makes me completely sick, but I can't find access to any help for my mental problems. At this point though, I'm somewhat fearful of finding happiness because depression and anger are all I know.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: n/a


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Heavy is better than homeless

#1 I hate myself....I am 250lbs and I try so hard to lose weight but always fail. Last time I weighed this much I stoped eating not because I wanted yo but because I was homeless and poor...I lost 85 lbs in 3 months as unhealthy as that is it was the first time I felt good about myself now I have a house and a job and I'm fat again.
#2 When I was 13 I tries to kill myself I endes up slicing my arm but not deep enough but it felt soooo good. I didn't even know what a "cutter" was back then and sometimes I still do it.
#3 I was in a car wreck when I was 18 and my best friend was thrown from the car I was fine but she died in my arms I'm now 24 and I still have nightmares about it every night I think it should've been me.
#4 My boyfriend abuses me mental physically and emotionally I would also say sexually but he IS my boyfriend.
#5 I'm secretly addicted to girls everything about then is beautiful.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: other


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Needling desire

One.
The next tattoo that I'm getting is only for the sake of feeling pain again. I use to be a cutter, so this helps stash away my inner longings. I only have 3, but I have a feeling this next one I'm getting wont be the last. I really wish it would be.

Two.
My skin is getting tan again. To tell you the truth, its a major self-confidence boost. When I'm white, I feel so gross. I feel like my over-weight really shows. Nobody knows why all of a sudden I'm sorta happy about myself. That's why.

Three.
My husband and I went to a street fair and I got a strawberry banana kabob drizzled with white and milk chocolate. To make the story short, it got everywhere. But it was so worth it. My husband started licking, kissing, and sucking my cheeks, lips, and neck. I got so turned on, it was insanely amazing. I did the same to him and he got an instant boner. I swear, if we weren't in public, I'd do him in the car. He doesn't know that's one of my weaknesses.

Four.
He wants me to fuck him in his sleep. I tried once, he shoved me off. It completely changed my mind on ever doing it again.

Five.
I got these wine colored contacts. It makes my eyes look naturally red. I feel so sexy. I have a huge self-confidence boost everytime I wear them. It makes me feel attractive. I think my husband misses my "bright brown eyes" as he would say. I wish he would see I feel better with them.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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People can be jerks, who cares what a jerk thinks?

1) I've cut myself 3 or 4 times. I want to keep doing it, although I know how unhealthy it is. But 2010 was such a bad year, and this year hasn't exactly started out great. I fee so alone, I feel like all my friends have turned on me, and no longer wish to be my friend. I feel cutting myself takes away the pain, atleast for a bit...

2) I am still in love with my ex, who broke up with me over a year ago. I know I shouldn't be, but I think about him all the time, and wish he would come back to me. I know he never will, especailly since he has a new gf, who he seems happier with. I want a bf, i've had crushes, all out of my reach of taken though. If neither of those, they have a fling with someone, which has been a friend of mine almost everytime this year. Im too ugly and too weird to get a decent guy. The few single friends I have, aren't interested in guys, they prefer it solo, atleast till college. Me, I want a bf because i like having the specail support. Someone who isn't a friends, becuase you have more than one of those for the mmost part, but a boyfriend who would my mine, and mine only. But knowing I'll probly be single forever hurts... I wish I could prevent all heartbreak, because its the most horrid feeling anyone can experience emotionally. From a break up to the death of a loved one, it hurts. A shout out to all you who are heartbroken, it gets better. Maybe you never fully heal, but that gap in your heart gets so much easier to live with.

3) I get made fun of for being Asian all the time. I never had an issue with that untill highschool. Now im singled out in front of the whole class and made fun of. I hate the Americans can be so racist sometimes. Just becuase us asains look different doesn't mean you have the right to make fun of us in ur movies, or promote us as short people with little eyes. I hate that people make fun of our eyes and how we talk all the time. I hate that some chinese are told not to tlak when they get to America becuase of how much they'll be made fun of. Its not right.

4) I've had 2 people die that I was actully close to. One being a sister at heart. Everyone thinks it hasn't efected me. Truth is, I think about her everyday. I never knew her in person, because our whole group was serperated by alot by the time we were 5, but just a year before she died, we had been texting, and altough i didn't know her very well, i feel like a part of me died. I wonder why did she have to die? Why couldn't God have taken me? Im sure she deserved to live more than me. Why couldn't have the option to give her my life? She had so much more to live for.

5) I think about death alot. I think about, what if I wasn't here who would care? no one. I dont want to kill my self, I just wonder what the reaction would be if i did die. Alot of the time, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to take my own life. I think there are so many people hurting, I wish I could give their loved one their life back, because they deserve to live more than me. I dont believe ive done anything too drastic as to derserve to die, but i know there are some that have died, that deserve life more than me.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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Bottle full of pills

1.i just took a bottle of tylenol. i dont care if i die, i just want to get sick enough to see if anybody even cares.
2.i started cutting again. 3 months i was cut free but i had to do it
3.i cant handle this anymore, i literally dream about killing myself, i know everybody would be better off without me
4.i used to be anorexic but i have pretty good control of it, except lately, i havent eaten in 3 days. i dont plan on eating either.
5.i just cant care anymore. it hurts to much

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual


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Old habits die hard

 1)i hate my grandparents. both on my mom's side and my dad's side. my mom's parents think they're always right and they're old fashioned. they just piss me off

2) if someone were to die soon i'd rather have it be my grandpa or grandma on my mom's side. just so i wouldn't have to deal with them anymore. theyre the reason my mom drags me to church

3) I hate church. I'm starting to find religion fucking stupid but i can't help being at least religious

4) i hate my dad. he used to hit my mom when i was younger, and since i was born he verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused me, my mom, and my sister

5) when i have the money rolling in i'm going to move out of my parents house no matter what age i am and have my bf move in. i'd rather live with him than anyone else because we have similar problems so we understand the things we do and stop eachother from hurting outselves.

*bonus* as stupid and pathetic as this sounds and frankly i dont care, i'm going to start cutting again. the only reason i stopped is because my parents, me and my boyfriend are going to a hotel that has a water park in it and i dont want my parents to know so i let the scars heal. but after we leave, i'm starting again.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Ex cutter

1) ex-cutter. used to be able to say that. There's one line on my hip. The reason for that? Anywhere else is visible in a bikini. I'll be wearing one in two weeks. my parents cant know i cut. My bf can't know i started again.

2) i hate my medication. It makes me dizzy, tired and gives me nightmares. At least I can blame being out of it on them

3) I need to breakdown and just cry in the worst way. But i want the bf to be there despite how horrible i will look and just say it will be ok and he's always gonna be there for me

4) i wasn't up at the hospital monday. i decided to go to school. That day when i was in class my uncle died in his hospital. I didn't cry because I was upset he died. I turned my back on him and my family by not being there.

5) yes i know i sound pathetic for saying this but i crave the feeling of having my razor bite my skin. I miss the blood fill the crevices from the cut.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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No more messed up than the rest of us

1. I've cheated on my finace and babys daddy at least 6 times in 5 yrs one of em bein with his brother.
2. I have had an abortion my junior yr 07 n regret it 2 this day.
3. I fantasize bout 3somes...with another girl
4. I was sexually molested by my cousin when I was 13.
5. I almost died of a drug overdose...I tryed 2 just go 2 sleep n not wake up but my mom found me n took me 2 the hospital....I'm pretty messed up rite....I blame my pos dad who was a cheater n alcoholic n left my life when I was 3

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual



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Vun very bad thing

Im a felon mot everyone  close to ne knows this..
I just met  a girl whose dad has guns i might take one to kill myself ..
My gf of 5 years wont talk to me like she used to with sympathy
Im no longer interested in sex except with her.
she and i did things that were bizzare but we always were so open..
If she iznt willing to give us another try.
im going to do that vun thing..


Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight


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Of course you can love them both!

1. I'm still in highschool and I've slept with three people. There's alot of girls in my highschool that are pregnant and I'm now one of those.
2. Im afraid too tell people it's by my third and that I've been cheating on my bf for three months.
3. My bf now hits me alot and screams and always tells me I deserve too die and never have a good life I'm scared too leave him.
4. The guy I'm pregnant by is 9 years older then me and has left me twice for two other girls and told me he wanted them now he's back in my life because they dumped him.  I don't want him too know I'm in love with him and have been since day one. I'll never tell him I'm scared about my life now.
5. I have depression issues and have cut for years and tried killing myseelf alot. My parents are getting a divorce and I have too choose where too go and I can't I love them both I wish I could just run with my baby and never come back. I hate life more then anything.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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Middle child

1) I have had a crush on my sisters best friend for 8 years who's 26
2) I secretly had sex with him even tho I had a bf for a year
3) my bf secretly abused me mentally and physically.
4) I'm extremely depressed and have thought about killing myself.
5) I hate my parents cause they are getting a divorce and they always put me in the middle of it.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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First, flush the pills down the toilet.

1) I get homicidal thoughts all the time. Half the time I think about how easy it would be to strangle someone or stab them or something. I constantly need to remind myself that killing people wouldn't solve anything, but I think I'm getting weaker and I'm scared.
2) I know I have anger management issues, but people don't notice because I'm generally a pretty calm person. If anyone were to get inside my head, though... it's a completely different person.
3) I have a little bag of pills in my night table. There are probably about 25 of them in it. I take the bag out every night and I stare at the pills, thinking about what would happen if I swallowed them. I think about what my day will probably be like the next day, etc. I always end up putting them back, but my hope is running out quickly and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to withstand it.
4) I've had an eating disorder called pica for a long time now. I eat paper and cardboard all the time. And this sounds weird, but I love chewing on Kleenex. I also eat the dirt from under my nails, which sounds gross, I guess, and I've tried to stop but I can't.
5) I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life is going. I try so hard in everything but nothing works. I'm just tired.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual


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Rape is NEVER the victim's fault

1) I hate, living with AIDS at only 20yrs old.
2) I've stopped taking my meds, cause I just feel I should let nature take its course... And its already started to do some heavy damage to my body and health, I told my doctor I care and will get back on my strict regimine, but I don't care, and I won't.
3) I feel like I've let everyone down because of it, because I won't live more than a decade at this rate... I've done the research, I was also going to school to become a doctor those dreams were crushed a very long time ago... and that's what hurts the most and shames me to hell, is that I'm letting myself die..... What's the point in living a full life unhappy, and physically, mentally, and emotionally fuked?
4) I've been HIV+ for 6-8 years and my first doctor visit they tell me its not just HIV, but already full on AIDS... 6-8 YEARS AGO! Do the math... 20-(7)=13; I was raped, and it was my fault, I LET IT HAPPEN...
5) My last secret is I hope someone cares more for me than I do for myself. Because I need some help.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: gay


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Cat scratch fever

1) I'm the strong one in my relationship.. or at least i try to be

2) i dont tell my bf that i have dug my keys into my hand because i'm trying to stop cutting.

3) today i grabbed my dad's knife from his room and cut my arms to make it look like cat scratches

4) I dont know how long i can stay strong before i seriously crack. i'm already on anti-depressents and those only help so well. i was suicidal and still cutting pretty heavily when i was on them

5) Ever since i got back with my ex, its been all the same. i'm happy to be with him, but we worry about eachother all the time also. we're fucked up in the head

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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The kids might rather have a happy mom

1. My  husband cheats on me constantly but I'm staying with him for the kids even though I'm unhappy.
2. I've relapsed back into anorexia  after two years recovered and nobody knows I don't eat.
3. I've considered killing myself several times but couldn't do it because I don't want the kids  to  have to live with that.
4. I'm still in love with my ex.
5. My  parents hate me and haven't talked to me in over a year because I stayed with my husband after the first time he cheated.

Bonus: I secretly hate my best   friend.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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Lowercase

1. I'M AFRAID TO GROW UP.  I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO DEPEND ON OTHER PEOPLE. I WISH I CAN DEPEND ON MYSELF. I WISH I KNEW HOW TO EVEN START.

2. IM GAY AND I HAVENT CAME OUT TO ANYBODY... NEVER BEEN SEXUALLY ACTIVE WITH A GIRL BEFORE OR LOVED.

3. I'VE BEEN SEXUALLY HARRASED WHEN I WAS CHILD... BY MY FATHER.. AND HIS JAIL FRIEND.

4.  I CRY EVERY NIGHT  BECAUSE I GET THWARTED  OF THE FACT IM UNHAPPY AND DON'T KNOW HOW TO PICK MYSELF BACK UP..

5.  I COMPLETELY HATE MY STEP DAD. SOMETIMES I THINK ABOUT COMMITING suicide. I KEEP A KNIFE ON THE SIDE OF MY BED...

SOMEONE HELP ME

Rawr7zefia@aol.com

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual


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Say my name

1.  I am blind.  I was the only blind person in my small town.  I was bullied a lot in school and called "blind girl" instead of my name.  That's all I was known as by most of my peers.

2.  I wanted so badly to have friends and be loved while in high school that I allowed boys to use me for sex and didn't really hold out on them.  I slept with whoever wanted me.  It was the only way I felt wanted, but I really just wanted a boyfriend to tell me I was pretty and he loved me.  I think some guys did want to actually date me, but any guy that showed any interest in me got made fun of too.  They were all embarrassed to admit that they'd even slept with me.  A lot of them would lie if asked.

3.  I didn't have the best home life either.  My sister's boyfriend was really cruel to me.  He stole from me and called me names.  He also made fun of me about everything like getting my period, boys I liked, anything like that, so I felt like I had to hide that stuff.  I couldn't talk to my sister either because she would tell him and give him more fuel.  My mom chose to move 5 hours away to live with a man, so I didn't have her either to talk to about girl stuff.

4.  I used to cut myself all the time with a razor.  I'm 23 now and a mother of 3 beautiful girls, but I still get the urge sometimes.  I don't do it anymore because I want to be healthy for them.  I used to do it because it was the only way I could take my mind off my emotional pain.  I thought it was better to hurt on the outside than the inside.

5.  My dad was and still is a functional alcoholic.  Sometimes he would buy beer when there was no food in the house.  I would be hungry and he would just come home with beer.  He knew about all the stuff my sister's boyfriend did and also all the bullying at my school, but he never stood up for me.  He never went to the school or kicked him out of our house.  I resent him for it even though he is a lot better now since he got married.  I feel like he let me down for years when I needed him.  I now have anger and trust issues because of a lot of this.

Bonus:
I wanted to add this.  I have a boyfriend now and we live together.  He is sweet to me, tells me I'm beautiful, and takes amazingly good care of me and my 3 girls even though the older 2 aren't even his.  They call him Daddy and he acts like one.  I am just trying to heal from the pain of my past so I can love him and trust him.  He doesn't hurt me at all.  He is wonderful, so I need to stop doubting his love.  He is the first man who never used me or hurt me in my life.


Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: gay (this is what the submission said... based on content I'd guess it was a mistake)


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A lie told often enough becomes the truth

1. I am still in love with her and noone knows it because I act like I am over it, I feel like all my friends would laugh and give me shit for it If I admitted the truth.

2. I still feel like cutting all the time, I still feel the urges and have no idea how I overcome it.

3. I tell this girl I really like her, because I know she really really loves me and I somewhat have feelings for her, but in all honestly I don't wanna be alone and just looking for happiness, in honesty, she will never compare to my past girlfriends.

4. I actually think about guys when I get myself off, even though I have no interest in guys at all.

5. I have made up so many lies to some people, that sometimes I actually believe them.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: gay


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You could just say you hate it

1) I've gotten back together with my ex

2) i know i'll only get hurt in the end but i dont care

3) He smokes, i'm fine with it. He drinks sometimes.. I'm not so okay with. He has done weed a few times. I want yell, scream, punch him and cry, and just show him how much i hate it

4) I want to beat the shit out of my dad. he verbally and mentally abuses me and my mom. I'm on anti-depressants that cause me to have anxiety attacks and shake like hell

5) I think about suicide many times, but know i never could do it

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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Fifteen sucked for me too

1) I am fifteen and i have already smoked weed & ciggs, drank, and done ecstasy 12 times. I still do them all and i want to try acid & salvia .. might even try Heroin (kind of scared though..)
2) I first started cutting in eigth grade but stopped, now i'm in tenth grade and i started back up and there worse than ever now. Everything is shit right now and last week i was so close to killing myself. I also have an eating problem. I am 5'9 or 5'10 and weigh around 120 pounds. I know im not fat but i constantly freak out when i look like im gaining my weight. Since i freak out so bad i go a day without eating & i still try to excercise to burn off some extra stuff.
3) I am a virgin but not by choice. Right now there are 3 guys i would fuck but i dont know how to pursue anything even though i know two of them would totally be up for it. This bugs me so much because my best friend has had sex more than like 6 times so it makes me feel like im nothing in comparison to her (obviously from these secrets you can tell i have really low self esteem) Since i havent had that much luck with guys i have even considered getting intimate with this chick.. im kind of scared that ive alwasy been curious about this and its just because of the no luck with guys.
4) I hate my dad with everything in me. He makes me never want to be home which is why i always hang out with my best friend. He has called me fat, ugly, said he didnt need me, bitch, told me my mom doesnt love me the same as my bro, and justt other things like this. He's physically abusive as well as emotionally. it makes me feel like i am in fact nothing (so whats the point living?)My bro is in afghanistan and i worry about him constantly. I love my mom to death but i know the feeling isnt mutual
5)My life is horribe right now and i dont know how to fix it. School,family,friends,myself,and everything else is just wrong. I am hurt constantly becausee i am too dependent and get attached to people easily. I feel like im digging a hole and cant get out.. i try but cant think of any way to make things better. I am constantly fighting a battle in my mind to live another day.. I feel like theres soo much more i need to say but this is getting to long so i guess if i think of it i'll post aaainn

Can you please give me some advice. I would really appreciate it.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight

[First, you are NOT fat. Even if you have the smallest body frame, you are ten pounds underweight. Just given the stats you've listed here, you have the figure of a supermodel, which is something that most women don't even hope to attain. Do not worry about your weight.

Second, I can understand why you would be depressed -- your family situation would be incredibly difficult to deal with for anyone. Insults and criticism are hard to hear from anyone and it is exponentially more difficult to handle it from your family. In an ideal world, your family is supposed to be the one source of unconditional love you can rely on and the potential negative implications on your psyche for lack of that support system are staggering.

As far as what to do, there isn't an easy answer. You are probably right in your assumption that you get hurt so much because of your dependence on and easy attachment to other people. I have been through that myself, and the only way I've ever been able to address it is by building my own self esteem and loving myself. Seeking reassurance externally from other people will NEVER fulfill your need for love -- it's like trying to fill up a bucket with a hole in the bottom. The hole in your heart can't be repaired with anything but self love -- it's the only kind of love you can control and which will never leave you. Spend some time trying to figure out what you want to do, what makes you feel good about yourself -- it could be a hobby, a type of creative expression like drawing or writing, exercising, studying something you find interesting, reading, whatever it is that makes YOU feel good -- and do it. Try to find lots of things like that, get to know yourself and learn how to make yourself happy. When you love yourself, the compulsion to become attached to random people fades because you know inside that you deserve better, that not just anyone should be a part of your life.

All the drugs and stuff will only make you feel worse. Substance abuse is just a way of running from what is really bothering you and running doesn't fix anything. When I feel like drowning out my feelings (which I do and have done any number of different ways throughout my life), now I try to instead sit down with a journal and figure out what I am REALLY feeling, what it is that I really want or need and address it directly. None of this will be easy -- taking good care of yourself is much harder than taking care of other people in many ways -- but it's worth it. And for god's sake, please don't try heroin. Watch Requiem for a Dream. I've never seen anything that more clearly illustrates exactly how bad that shit is. Good luck.

K]


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