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Sunday, February 27, 2011

First, flush the pills down the toilet.

1) I get homicidal thoughts all the time. Half the time I think about how easy it would be to strangle someone or stab them or something. I constantly need to remind myself that killing people wouldn't solve anything, but I think I'm getting weaker and I'm scared.
2) I know I have anger management issues, but people don't notice because I'm generally a pretty calm person. If anyone were to get inside my head, though... it's a completely different person.
3) I have a little bag of pills in my night table. There are probably about 25 of them in it. I take the bag out every night and I stare at the pills, thinking about what would happen if I swallowed them. I think about what my day will probably be like the next day, etc. I always end up putting them back, but my hope is running out quickly and I don't know how much longer I'll be able to withstand it.
4) I've had an eating disorder called pica for a long time now. I eat paper and cardboard all the time. And this sounds weird, but I love chewing on Kleenex. I also eat the dirt from under my nails, which sounds gross, I guess, and I've tried to stop but I can't.
5) I don't know what to do. I don't know where my life is going. I try so hard in everything but nothing works. I'm just tired.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual


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