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Monday, September 19, 2011

You'll Think of Me

1. I used to be a borderline alcoholic. I got pregnant 7 months ago and quit drinking. 6 months ago I miscarried. I tried a few times to drink again, but for some reason I just couldn't take more than a few sips before I couldn't stand it anymore. I got pregnant again 3 months ago. This time the pregnancy is still going. I've never wanted a drink more than I do right now.

2. I've been from therapist to therapist my entire life. I never once wanted to go and it got to the point where I was getting court orders to attend because the doctors saw it so "needed" even though I wouldn't talk. Now I've lost the insurance that covered therapy, and am completely broke. There are no free therapy programs around where I live. For the first time in my life, I would do ANYTHING to go to therapy.

3. Keith Urban's song, "You'll Think of Me" made me finally ask myself "what the Hell am I doing?" I'm going nowhere but downhill in life. I've had a huge problem with this lately, but I can't seem to get past my anxiety to do anything beneficial. The few times where I do feel strong enough to get past the anxiety, I'm always too tired of fighting it by then, and just don't care anymore. I was coping with my downhill-guarantee at least enough to get through each day. After listening to that song, I KNOW something NEEDS to be done. I also know that nothing will happen because now I feel more hopeless than ever.

4. I'm engaged, pregnant, have a caring family, and have a dog that's always been there for me even though I now live hours away from him. I just got a cat 2 days ago...I honestly feel that my cat is the only thing that will stay by my side forever.

5. My biggest fear has always been that I would become just like my birth-mom with my children. I was taken away and adopted out due to her mental issues making her severely unfit and a lot of abuse and neglect happened behind closed doors with my step-father that she kept secret. I know I would never abuse or neglect my children or let anyone else harm them. But it's still always been a constant fear. I no longer fear that will be a problem though. Now I fear my child will be the kindergartner at school who doesn't have a mommy because it's mom killed itself before it was even old enough to remember her. I used to be strong enough to know that would never happen...Now I'm more sure than not that I won't be strong enough to stay alive, even for my own child. Knowing this makes me completely sick, but I can't find access to any help for my mental problems. At this point though, I'm somewhat fearful of finding happiness because depression and anger are all I know.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: n/a


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1 comment:

  1. I was the person who submitted these secrets. On a positive note, I now have some access to therapy after a long battle with insurance. Also, my cat is being given away within a week now...Things are going to get much lonelier without him.

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