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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Say my name

1.  I am blind.  I was the only blind person in my small town.  I was bullied a lot in school and called "blind girl" instead of my name.  That's all I was known as by most of my peers.

2.  I wanted so badly to have friends and be loved while in high school that I allowed boys to use me for sex and didn't really hold out on them.  I slept with whoever wanted me.  It was the only way I felt wanted, but I really just wanted a boyfriend to tell me I was pretty and he loved me.  I think some guys did want to actually date me, but any guy that showed any interest in me got made fun of too.  They were all embarrassed to admit that they'd even slept with me.  A lot of them would lie if asked.

3.  I didn't have the best home life either.  My sister's boyfriend was really cruel to me.  He stole from me and called me names.  He also made fun of me about everything like getting my period, boys I liked, anything like that, so I felt like I had to hide that stuff.  I couldn't talk to my sister either because she would tell him and give him more fuel.  My mom chose to move 5 hours away to live with a man, so I didn't have her either to talk to about girl stuff.

4.  I used to cut myself all the time with a razor.  I'm 23 now and a mother of 3 beautiful girls, but I still get the urge sometimes.  I don't do it anymore because I want to be healthy for them.  I used to do it because it was the only way I could take my mind off my emotional pain.  I thought it was better to hurt on the outside than the inside.

5.  My dad was and still is a functional alcoholic.  Sometimes he would buy beer when there was no food in the house.  I would be hungry and he would just come home with beer.  He knew about all the stuff my sister's boyfriend did and also all the bullying at my school, but he never stood up for me.  He never went to the school or kicked him out of our house.  I resent him for it even though he is a lot better now since he got married.  I feel like he let me down for years when I needed him.  I now have anger and trust issues because of a lot of this.

Bonus:
I wanted to add this.  I have a boyfriend now and we live together.  He is sweet to me, tells me I'm beautiful, and takes amazingly good care of me and my 3 girls even though the older 2 aren't even his.  They call him Daddy and he acts like one.  I am just trying to heal from the pain of my past so I can love him and trust him.  He doesn't hurt me at all.  He is wonderful, so I need to stop doubting his love.  He is the first man who never used me or hurt me in my life.


Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: gay (this is what the submission said... based on content I'd guess it was a mistake)


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