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Tuesday, March 29, 2011

People can be jerks, who cares what a jerk thinks?

1) I've cut myself 3 or 4 times. I want to keep doing it, although I know how unhealthy it is. But 2010 was such a bad year, and this year hasn't exactly started out great. I fee so alone, I feel like all my friends have turned on me, and no longer wish to be my friend. I feel cutting myself takes away the pain, atleast for a bit...

2) I am still in love with my ex, who broke up with me over a year ago. I know I shouldn't be, but I think about him all the time, and wish he would come back to me. I know he never will, especailly since he has a new gf, who he seems happier with. I want a bf, i've had crushes, all out of my reach of taken though. If neither of those, they have a fling with someone, which has been a friend of mine almost everytime this year. Im too ugly and too weird to get a decent guy. The few single friends I have, aren't interested in guys, they prefer it solo, atleast till college. Me, I want a bf because i like having the specail support. Someone who isn't a friends, becuase you have more than one of those for the mmost part, but a boyfriend who would my mine, and mine only. But knowing I'll probly be single forever hurts... I wish I could prevent all heartbreak, because its the most horrid feeling anyone can experience emotionally. From a break up to the death of a loved one, it hurts. A shout out to all you who are heartbroken, it gets better. Maybe you never fully heal, but that gap in your heart gets so much easier to live with.

3) I get made fun of for being Asian all the time. I never had an issue with that untill highschool. Now im singled out in front of the whole class and made fun of. I hate the Americans can be so racist sometimes. Just becuase us asains look different doesn't mean you have the right to make fun of us in ur movies, or promote us as short people with little eyes. I hate that people make fun of our eyes and how we talk all the time. I hate that some chinese are told not to tlak when they get to America becuase of how much they'll be made fun of. Its not right.

4) I've had 2 people die that I was actully close to. One being a sister at heart. Everyone thinks it hasn't efected me. Truth is, I think about her everyday. I never knew her in person, because our whole group was serperated by alot by the time we were 5, but just a year before she died, we had been texting, and altough i didn't know her very well, i feel like a part of me died. I wonder why did she have to die? Why couldn't God have taken me? Im sure she deserved to live more than me. Why couldn't have the option to give her my life? She had so much more to live for.

5) I think about death alot. I think about, what if I wasn't here who would care? no one. I dont want to kill my self, I just wonder what the reaction would be if i did die. Alot of the time, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I don't want to take my own life. I think there are so many people hurting, I wish I could give their loved one their life back, because they deserve to live more than me. I dont believe ive done anything too drastic as to derserve to die, but i know there are some that have died, that deserve life more than me.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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1 comment:

  1. Embrace your race. Being Asian is a big plus in America. You will find out sooner or later. About the death, when a person dies, we grief then we move on. This world is for us, living humans, we don't have time to waste on someone who will never come back. So when it's our time to die, the same thing will happen to us. Sorry about your sister but if you think about her everyday, you should go see a shrink. Apparently you can't let it go by yourself.

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