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Fifteen sucked for me too

1) I am fifteen and i have already smoked weed & ciggs, drank, and done ecstasy 12 times. I still do them all and i want to try acid & salvia .. might even try Heroin (kind of scared though..)
2) I first started cutting in eigth grade but stopped, now i'm in tenth grade and i started back up and there worse than ever now. Everything is shit right now and last week i was so close to killing myself. I also have an eating problem. I am 5'9 or 5'10 and weigh around 120 pounds. I know im not fat but i constantly freak out when i look like im gaining my weight. Since i freak out so bad i go a day without eating & i still try to excercise to burn off some extra stuff.
3) I am a virgin but not by choice. Right now there are 3 guys i would fuck but i dont know how to pursue anything even though i know two of them would totally be up for it. This bugs me so much because my best friend has had sex more than like 6 times so it makes me feel like im nothing in comparison to her (obviously from these secrets you can tell i have really low self esteem) Since i havent had that much luck with guys i have even considered getting intimate with this chick.. im kind of scared that ive alwasy been curious about this and its just because of the no luck with guys.
4) I hate my dad with everything in me. He makes me never want to be home which is why i always hang out with my best friend. He has called me fat, ugly, said he didnt need me, bitch, told me my mom doesnt love me the same as my bro, and justt other things like this. He's physically abusive as well as emotionally. it makes me feel like i am in fact nothing (so whats the point living?)My bro is in afghanistan and i worry about him constantly. I love my mom to death but i know the feeling isnt mutual
5)My life is horribe right now and i dont know how to fix it. School,family,friends,myself,and everything else is just wrong. I am hurt constantly becausee i am too dependent and get attached to people easily. I feel like im digging a hole and cant get out.. i try but cant think of any way to make things better. I am constantly fighting a battle in my mind to live another day.. I feel like theres soo much more i need to say but this is getting to long so i guess if i think of it i'll post aaainn

Can you please give me some advice. I would really appreciate it.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight

[First, you are NOT fat. Even if you have the smallest body frame, you are ten pounds underweight. Just given the stats you've listed here, you have the figure of a supermodel, which is something that most women don't even hope to attain. Do not worry about your weight.

Second, I can understand why you would be depressed -- your family situation would be incredibly difficult to deal with for anyone. Insults and criticism are hard to hear from anyone and it is exponentially more difficult to handle it from your family. In an ideal world, your family is supposed to be the one source of unconditional love you can rely on and the potential negative implications on your psyche for lack of that support system are staggering.

As far as what to do, there isn't an easy answer. You are probably right in your assumption that you get hurt so much because of your dependence on and easy attachment to other people. I have been through that myself, and the only way I've ever been able to address it is by building my own self esteem and loving myself. Seeking reassurance externally from other people will NEVER fulfill your need for love -- it's like trying to fill up a bucket with a hole in the bottom. The hole in your heart can't be repaired with anything but self love -- it's the only kind of love you can control and which will never leave you. Spend some time trying to figure out what you want to do, what makes you feel good about yourself -- it could be a hobby, a type of creative expression like drawing or writing, exercising, studying something you find interesting, reading, whatever it is that makes YOU feel good -- and do it. Try to find lots of things like that, get to know yourself and learn how to make yourself happy. When you love yourself, the compulsion to become attached to random people fades because you know inside that you deserve better, that not just anyone should be a part of your life.

All the drugs and stuff will only make you feel worse. Substance abuse is just a way of running from what is really bothering you and running doesn't fix anything. When I feel like drowning out my feelings (which I do and have done any number of different ways throughout my life), now I try to instead sit down with a journal and figure out what I am REALLY feeling, what it is that I really want or need and address it directly. None of this will be easy -- taking good care of yourself is much harder than taking care of other people in many ways -- but it's worth it. And for god's sake, please don't try heroin. Watch Requiem for a Dream. I've never seen anything that more clearly illustrates exactly how bad that shit is. Good luck.


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