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Friday, March 26, 2010

Growing pains

1. I'm falling in love with a girl who I'm almost positive is lying to me about her age. I'm 25 and she says she's 19, but I think she may be just 17. She lives over 900 miles away and we've never met in person, nor have we so much as spoken on the phone. But we've had some of the most meaningful conversations of my life.

2. I overdraw my bank account intentionally every two weeks to make ends meet. Not because I don't make enough. It's because every time I get paid I spend money I know I shouldn't on things I don't need.

3. I've been cheated on in every relationship I've ever been in but I've never cheated and I never would. I'm starting to think I'm not supposed to be happy in a relationship, but a happy relationship is the one thing I want more than anything.

4. I'm highly insecure about every aspect of myself. I have a very negative body image, I don't make much money, I live with my dad, I don't have many friends, etc. I think I need psychological help but I think I may be too scared of what I'll find out to go through with it.

5. I think I've become more or less institutionalized in my dad's house. He's never tried to be anything other than an authority figure who gives me cheap rent so he can hold it over my head that he's so good to me and I'm such a burden on him. I want to move so bad it's driving me crazy but I'm terrified of doing it. Sometimes, I wish he would die so that I could be free. And that makes me feel like a bad person, like I owe him something, which in turn makes me even more inclined to stay.

1 comment:

  1. Nerd Grrl would like to mention she once shared the experience expressed in secret one. My Mr. Write [sic] turned out to me Mrs. Crazy Canadian. If she won't share her voice the most likely reason is her lips drip with more lies than you can currently fathom. Save yourself some pain by using her obvious lie as ample excuse to bid her farewell.

    ReplyDelete

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