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Thursday, March 11, 2010

The most precious gifts are free

I lost my best friend over a dispute about my planned prostitution (I didn't go through with it). The funny thing is I feel no real loss over her, and I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this. But I have the most amazing group of friends a person could have.

I grew up believing that I could never professionally be an artist, because you just don't make money that way and all the 'real' artists only got famous after they had died. I finally decided (after abandoning all my art and poetry for years) that this is what I want to do with my life. I don't want to be famous, but I want to be free to pursue the thing I love. Except now that I'm trying to get involved with an online art community, I'm terrified that I'm not a good enough artist to bother.

I've always wanted to be a mom, but I'm afraid I'll never have a serious enough relationship to have the kind of family I never had growing up. As a sort of mental/psychological safety net, I've secretly decided I would ask one of my closest friends (who is gay) to father my child. He doesn't know this. Despite believing at times that he's a total jerk, he has said that I would be a good mom. It's one of the most meaningful things he's ever said to me.

I am also coming to terms with all my other fears lately. I have to finally leave the comfortable holding pattern of a life that school has created for me these past five years, which I've been desperate to escape up until now. I now need to find another job(s) to pay off my loans and begin actually making concrete plans for my 'escape' into the world. I'm afraid of all of this right now. And yet more afraid that if I don't leave this city soon, I'll never get to the places I want to go.

I'm still torn between my Christian background and my highly sexualized nature. Prostitution would have been a deal-breaker for the return to a Christian faith, which was the real reason I changed my mind: I participated in a very Christian wedding ceremony the week I was considering prostitution and it changed everything for me. I'm still immensely grateful to my friend for that experience.

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