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Friday, March 19, 2010

Only the lonely

*I've never been faithful in any relationship since I started dating in 9th grade. I've always come clean to whoever I was with, yet every single time my partners have "let me get away with it". I really don't understand.  I'm not that good looking and everyone tells me I'm a bitch. I'm scared that one day I'll mess up again and I'll be alone forever.

*Two of my exs' tried committing suicide each when I tried leaving them.  Luckily in each time I got there in time to unhook them from where they were hanging. Instead of feeling sorry for them I hate to admit that I lost a little bit of respect and even love for them for trying to pull that shit.

*My sister's husband molested me when I was eight in their house. I remember yelling for her in the middle of the night, so she could come in and I could tell her whenever he left. But instead she kept sending him back into the room cuz she was too damn fucking lazy to get up and check on her baby sister. I'll always hate her for that. I think she's stupid and naive. That morning I contemplated suicide every other day till I was twelve, till I realized that it was going to be up to me to keep the same thing to happen to my two nieces.
I know that if my husband or I don't do it, I'll find someone to sweep him off the face of the earth.

*I'm married to a military man and believe he is the love of my life. I pretend not to need him sometimes cuz I don't want him to think I can't function without him but I'm scared he'll get tired and leave me one day. He's the most hansome man I've ever been with and I think he deserves someone more beautiful. He always calls me beautiful and makes up pet names for me where he can use that word. I like to do cocaine not because of the feeling, but because I can see all my physical imperfections and I try to memorize them so I can get rid or them once I'm sober. Its funny how I can do more coke than most guys I've met and be able to handle it. I think they are all pussys. I also love doing extacy with him cuz that's the only time I feel like I'm actually beautiful enough.

*I'm actually a very smart person but I don't seem to have the drive to actually do anything with my brain. I push and push everyone else around me to succeed and yet I can't do anything for myself. I feel so unfufilled with myself.  Everyone tells me my life seems great but recently I've been more depressed than ever. I just want my husband to come back from deployment.

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