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17 going on 35

I'm only seventeen, but I've seen enough of life to be terrified of it. By no means have I had a difficult life, I'm fortunate and privileged to be where I am, but people have emotionally destroyed me so many times at such an early age that I fear the next meltdown will be the one that sends me over the edge.

I think I am in love with my best friend, but I'm not sure where or if I crossed that line. He's my best friend, fuck buddy, drug dealer, and he's saved me from killing myself, but his heart will always belong to a girl who doesn't deserve him.

I fantasize about doing heroin, just to have one more thing in common with the man who broke my heart.

Who I am hates who I pretend to be, but the girl I pretend to be keeps people from getting too close. I cut myself, do drugs, and make dangerous decisions to try and drown out the bitchy slut I've been pretending to be. Its a vicious circle that I can't escape.

Despite all this, I manage to love the few true friends I have with everything I am. It may be my only redeeming quality. I'd kill and die for them, sell my soul, body, and mind to make them happy.....both of them.

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