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Best friends are hard to find

1) When people tel me I'm beautiful I secretly or not so secretly (if I know them well) agree! I might not have the smallest thinnest body (working on it with diet and working out currently, see my next secret for more on that) but I have a pretty face, pretty hair, nice boobs and ass, and good skin.

2) I do feel moments of low self esteem, those close to me think I'm just being like any other girl who is insecure at times but really it's just frustration because I'm a 9.5 and I want to be a 10. Which no one understands or even wants to hear because I mean, it's pretty obnoxious.

3) When I was 15 at my first job the manager drove me home and asked me to have sex. I said yes out of curiosity and surprise. It wasn't quite rape but I was a virgin and didn't enjoy it / regret it now. My main regrets are wasting my virginity and not calling it rape and suing him / the company (major fast food chain). It was not rape but he was way older and sleazy and therefore deserved it. I never brought it up thought because my dad would have been furious and never have let me out of the house again and he was very crazy / abusive when I was growing up and I was never allowed any things a normal teen would have (sleepovers, concerts, the mall with friends, dating when appropriate, ect) so to make a reason for him to restrict me any more would have been terrible.

4) I'm a little bit ashamed about all the pot I smoke. I know its not like meth or coke or something but I do use it as a coping thing. I wish I smoked much less but I don't have the will power to make that happen.

5) I enjoy masturbation more than sex with a partner / my boyfriend. I just do...

bonus because I'm an egomaniac and never shut up...

6) I had a very good female best friend growing up but during our senior year of high school we had a falling out. I still miss her because she was the most honest significant relationship I have ever had in my life. We didn't have a romantic or sexual relationship and to my knowledge neither of us wanted to but I love her more than my ex husband and current boyfriend combined. I doubt I'll ever see her again and we definitely won't ever have a friendship again. It brings tears to my eyes to write this. I'm not a crier or a super emotional person but I wish she would read this and know I still think of her. I wonder if she thinks of me. I see her on facebook sometimes through friends but don't have the courage to contact her and even if I did...its been 8-9 years....I have basically no friends now which is okay, I suppose I deserve it. I hope she is happy and I know she is successful and maybe that she realizes how much her friendship meant.

1 comment:

  1. Okay, I couldn't help but comment on this based on your 6th secret. I'd like to quote a friend of mine, because he sums up how I feel about your situation:
    "In my opinion and experience, it is far better to risk an awkward silence than to perpetually pine for someone with feelings unexpressed."

    Honestly, it never hurts to try. You may be surprised, she may in fact miss you, too. I don't know what happened to cause the falling out, but telling her how you hoenstly view your former friendship with her rather than posting it solely anonymously might have interesting and positive consequences. People like to be told how much their influence was/is appreciated (it's really not done nearly enough).


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