Lock your car, especially if you're a dick

1. i had sex with my adopted older brother and had his baby
2. my husband is best friends with him and my husband has no idea that our baby belongs to my brother
3. my boss left his car unlocked so i pissed on the driver seat
4. my cousin has a mental disability and we mess with her nothing too bad because we love her but enough to laugh about it
5. i beat myself up like jim carey in liar liar so that my mom would feel bad for me and wouldn't beat me that day