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Friday, August 6, 2010

2nd fiddle to online diddle

My boyfriend of 2 years is addicted to porn. He watches it on his phone in secret at work and all the time. It makes me want to kill myself. I feel he's unattracted to me and the only way hell have sex (or good sex) is if he watched porn. His addiction makes me feel inferior, ugly, fat, and inadequate.  

I'm afraid that his addiction to porn will lead to him finding other sexual partners (like the girls from the porn). I'm constantly looking for signs that he's cheating even going through his texts/calls/internet history. Even though I haven't found concrete evidence I have had 2 occasions where his behavior was questionable and I lost trust in him (found him chatting with a decent looking girl at a bar after he wouldn't answer my calls) even though he swears he's not cheating. I think his "innocent" porn addiction will turn into something worse.

I cut myself with a razor over a tattoo that I have on my leg so that it is hard to see since we sleep naked together. I don't do it to committ suicide just to feel something other than the numbness I get knowing he would rather look at porn and thinking of him cheating on me. 

I look at porn regularly and feel slightly hipocrytical of how I feel about his habit. However I feel that both scenarios are completely different. I want to do the things I see in the porn with him whereas I feel when he watches porn he would rather have the girl he's seeing than me. I love him and watching porn turns me on to him but I think when he watches porn it turns him off to me. 

If I was a different person I would have cheated on him already. I won't cheat on him. If I find out he's cheating on me in going to leave. I don't want to leave but at the same time its extremeley difficult to be in a relationship where I don't trust him. I wish I could stop being so paranoid and just believe him. I know he looked at porn today before I got home. I don't know if ill be able to not cry during it if he initiates sex tonight... ill know it was from the porn and not because he wants ME. 

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