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Sunday, August 8, 2010

Well-founded wishing

I still feel like my blood is tainted and toxic from when I was raped nine years ago. He made me say the most disgusting things. I dont trust men completely and though my fiance is incredible and supportive, I still feel like I don't give him all of myself emotionally. I'm terrified, but I'm working on it.

I'm nowhere near the mother I want to be. My children  don't get the attention they deserve. I love them but i feel like an utter failure every single day. I sometimes think they'd be better off adopted out. But I'm not abusive, just distant, and I continue working on that even though improvement is so painfully slow. They are sweet and brilliant and deserve so much more. It kills me inside.

When I was a little girl, about ten, my uncle brought me into his bedroom and turned on pornography. He asked me if I liked it. He said he wanted to do things with me. I was shy and said I had to go. He didn't let me. He made me do things to him under threat of getting me in trouble.

At thirteen, a roommate who was a friend of my aunts, and 35 years old came into my room and undressed, telling me that a dream about me made him hard and now I should help him fix it. I heard him come back that night and masturbate over my bed.. I pretended to sleep.

I wish my childhood had been different. 

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