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Monday, October 25, 2010

Way to go, Mom

I'm 33 and I hate my mother.

I wish I could tell her one day about all the bad feelings I hold for her, for being so selfish, for abandoning me and my brother for years, prefering the bottle and pills over us, for only having given us a miserable life, for having killed her second husband and spent 15 years in prison when we only were teenagers, and maybe more than anything for making my dad's life hell...

I've been a heroin addict, and I can't help blaming my mother for that.

I'm clean now and wish I have a baby. I just don't have the father yet. I sometimes think I'll never find him, and in the end feel I could be ready to use a man just to get pregnant and raise the child by myself...

I spent 6 years with a man who's cheated on me and left me a year ago. He's british, while I'm french, but he's chosen to stay in France, in my own city. He's still in contact with me, makes me believe he still loves me and that is why he's still there... but he's clever and I think he's only trying to abuse my kindness and my feeling of guilt... I feel desperate.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: bisexual


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