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High school sweetheartache

1)  I married my high school sweetheart.   Well one of them anyways.   I have felt for years that it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life.  But lately she has been sooo much nicer.  Worries me.
2)  I have received blow jobs in adult booksstores.  I am ashamed of it but she hardly ever put out.  Once every few months if I was lucky.
3)  I had plenty of opportunities to cheat but never did.
4)  I am scared that I am too weak to resist another woman's advances. So I stay fat to keep them away now.
5)  I'm 46 now and feel like I've wasted my life and it'll be over soon.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight

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