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Secretly sad

1.I Laugh, I joke, I smile and to everyone I'm the funniest and most considerate person to be around. People Come to me for advice and I always have words of wisdom and they tell me they feel better for confiding in me.but I am secretly very depressed.
2. I drink everyday not allot but enough to take the edge off my pain.I smoke allot of cigarettes but tell people I don't smoke or drink.
3. I Was in the hospital for an accidental over dose but it wasn't an accident. It Was my second attempt to take my life. The First was when I was 16. I'm A grandmother now.I smiled and joked my way out of them recognizing the truth.I've been hurting a long time.when I was 16 they called me crazy that's when I learned to hide it.lots Off people depend on my strength so I can't let them know how torn up I am. I Pay allot and I know there's help for me. How do I get it without money or anyone finding out. I Don't wasn't pity our being labeled.
4. I Shut myself inside every week end so I don't have to pretend. I Cry allot when I'm alone and I know dying is not the solution but I don't wasn't to feel sorry for myself anymore.
5. I met a terrific guy and I think sometimes I should end the relationship before he leaves me and brakes my great sending me further into depression, or he may see through me and find out I'm not the sexy confident, out going go getter he is attracted to.I don't think I'm entitled to the happiness he gives me and something bad oas going to happen if I receive this blessing.maybe he's to good to be true.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight

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