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Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Beyond the Gray Sky*

1. I thought I'd be happy if the army discharged him for his suicidal thoughts because then we'd be together...When he found out today that he is getting discharged I realized that his life, my life, and our life together will all be ruined because of it.

2. I've attempted suicide three times...My only regret about it other than not dying? I only got one scar from it.

3. Many, many times I've wished I had a gun so I wouldn't chicken out when I want to kill myself. That way I could just force myself to end it and it'd be quick so I wouldn't have to be scared about dying. I would just die. Many other times I am so glad I don't have a gun because I know I would've been dead 3 years ago. A I'd do anything to get my hands on a gun right now.

4. My fiance' knows I want a child. He thinks that the only men I ever tried for one with I loved. He also thinks I'd never have sex with someone I didn't know just so I'd get pregnant. He doesn't even think that could cross my mind. He has no idea how many times I've thought about it. I've made elaborate plans for it and everything.

5. The only reason I want to know if I was molested by my brother's dad when I was a little kid is because if he did, I'd actually have a reason to be depressed.

*

1 comment:

  1. It sounds like you have plenty of reasons to be depressed to me, but know that you're not alone. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts for a long time but know that it will not always be this way. It's so hard just to get through days sometimes but there is help out there for you and for your fiance' too. Please don't kill yourself -- I'm sure there are people out there who love and need you in their lives.

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