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Sunday, February 7, 2010

Sometimes Being a Pussy Has It's Advantages

1. I once 69’d in the car with my boyfriend while I was on my period (I had a tampon in). It was so hot because he just had to have me and he didn’t care about anything but having me. I was married at the time but I hated by husband. I never had sex with the boyfriend I just needed some sort of outlet. My husband didn’t want me anyways (my friend swears my husband hit on him while I was away and I believe him).
2.  When I was a kid (probably 4 or under) my brother taught me how to give a blow job and ate me out. I know he didn’t know any better and neither did I, we just wanted to be like adults and he saw it on some movie he watched when my parents didn’t know he was around. I remember him saying “not like that…do it like this”. My sister caught us but even she was too young to understand what we were doing. I told my family once when I was 6 or 7. They didn’t believe me. I’ll never tell anyone again and I don’t really care. I forgive him. On a side note…I almost always hate oral sex now.
3. I don’t believe anyone actually likes me for who I am. Guys want to f*ck me and girls are jealous of me, but they shouldn’t be. I’m hot but I’m just a plaything.
4.  I drink by myself almost every night. I don’t feel bad about it. I don’t have TV so it gives me something to do.
5. I fantasize about dying. I don’t really have anything to live for anyways. I don’t have many close friends or a family of my own and my family doesn’t really need me. Not that they don’t love me but I’ve lived states away for years now. It’d be a great way for my debt to be cleared too. I know I can’t do it because I’ve tried to kill myself twice before and I’m too much of a pussy to do the damn thing. Plus my mom would be brokenhearted.  I’m not even sad or depressed; I just think it’s a logical solution to my situation.

1 comment:

  1. I know exactly how you feel -- suicide has always seemed like the one perfect solution to all my problems, but I've never been able to make myself do it. You are not alone.

    I hope you don't mind the un-asked for advice, but you might think about going to the library and picking up the book, "Breaking the Patterns of Depression." I know you don't think you're depressed and I didn't either for a long time, but reading the case studies in the book were often like reading my own story. Good luck.

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