Searching for the meaning of life

I am 31 and still cry at night about dying.  I don't want to and am scared to, why do we live if we just die, what was all this work for?

My fiancé is the worst at sex and has the smallest penis of any man I have been with, I wonder if I'll ever be happy....

I got pregnant on purpose when I was 17 and told everyone it was an accident.

I think about past lovers when I have sex with my fiancé so I can get off.

I have been in the mental hospital 2 times and I think I have a lot of issues because the women in my family seem to be a little nuts and I often think life would be easier if I were dead.