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Tuesday, April 13, 2010

The best kind of hypocrisy

1. I contemplate suicide almost every day. Just what it'd be like and if anyone would actually care. My best friend killed herself when we were in 8th grade and I think about her everyday and the impact her suicide has had on me, her family, her other friends, and people who cared about her. That's why I don't think I'd ever go through with it, but I still think about it a lot.
2. My mom, dad, brother, and best friends Ting and M.J.B.L. mean the world to me and I honestly think I would kill myself if I were to lose any of them. I constantly worry about them. I make up the wildest scenarios in my head about what could happen to them and freak myself out for no reason. Just thinking about losing any one of them brings me to tears.
3. My best friend and I have the weirdest relationship. We fight more than a married couple, but no matter what we always end up being okay. She's my other half. We can literally finish each other's sentences. We're basically the same person. I feel like a horrible friend most of the time, and I wonder why she even wants to be my friend anymore. I honestly think I'd die without her. I've come close to losing her and words can't even describe the pain I felt as she laid there in the hospital bed...I thank God everyday for not taking her...
4. I hate myself. I hate my body, my inhibitions, my sensitivity, my past, my mouth, my mind. I wish I could be anyone else but me.
5. Despite all this, I still love life and thank God everyday for blessing me with all that I am and have. Hypocritical, I know.

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