Inside vs Outside

I freak myself about by thinking about things too much, I think about every single breath I take, I feel like my heart isn't beating right, my lungs aren't working right, I just know I am going to die any second for no reason.  I am only 21 years old but I'm already so afraid of withering away I can't imagine what I will feel like when death really is upon me.

I am a boy in a girls body though most people wouldn't know. I dress somewhat womanly, I wear makeup and look girly. But I act like a guy, only have guy friends and when I picture myself, I picture a man. I only really find women attractive, though I have been in relationships with men.

I lie to people I meet, I tell them I am a different race than I really am because I can pass for it and I really wish I was.

I have told many people I love them, but I don't think I have really loved anyone. Not even my family members. I am in a relationship right now and he says he loves me and I tell him that back but both of us know that isn't true. He is using me for sex and I am using him for a place to stay and company, because I am a lonely person. I desperately want to be loved/love though.

I hate children, they annoy the shit out of me. Yet I want kids at the same time, and fantasize about being pregnant.