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Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Alone doesn't have to mean lonely

/ Every night when I go to bed, I lay out a pillow to cuddle with beside me and spray it with the cologne I imagine that he wears.  It lets me pretend every night that I can go home and sleep by his side. Sometimes I imagine in the mornings that I've woken up beside him, but he hasn't woken up yet, so I stay for hours, my arms wrapped around this pillow. Because sometimes, no matter how bad it hurts, pretending is enough to get me through the day.

! I'm saving myself for a boy that will never see me that way. To him, I'm just some girl; some kid. But to me, he's everything I've always wanted and even more. He's my everything when I am his nothing. And sometimes, I like to remind myself of that. I look through his Facebook comments to other girls or on his Myspace and it hurts when I read him calling another girl "beautiful" or "gorgeous" because he's never called me that and I don't think he ever will. But I realize that maybe those girls he talks to deserve him more than I would ever would. I would love him and care for him with everything I have, but I don't deserve to have someone as sweet and smart as him to make me happy.

? I've never known what it feels like to deserve happiness. It seems like a peaceful thing. I've only been genuinely happy once in my entire life and it was taken from me just as fast as it happened. It felt so good to be happy and it hurt more than anything else to have that feeling ripped away from me.

@ I don't talk to boys in my town because none of them would ever give the time to listen to what I have to say. I've never met a boy that likes my intelligence and likes that I want to be more than a baby maker or a slut for them.  It makes me feel like I will never find anyone who will love what I love and love me for what I love, all at the same time.

# No guy has ever called me "pretty" or "beautiful" or "cute" and I get jealous seeing those words on other girls' picture comments. When I look at mine, I see no comments. All I see when I look at my pictures or in the mirror is a nobody who will never be seen or noticed the way other girls are. No boy has asked me out either. Or given me flowers or taken me on a date. No boy smiles because I'm the one they think about and no boy misses me when I'm gone. No boy tries to find out about me from my friends and they're never too shy to talk to me. I'm almost 16 and I've never been kissed. I don't think I'm a girl any boy would find beautiful, no matter if I wear make up or dress girlier. I am a nobody with nobody by my side.


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2 comments:

  1. You know, I've seen quite a few teens complain on here that they've never been kissed by such and such an age and I have to say: it's really not as big of a deal as you think. No one was ever interested in me either when I was younger. I didn't get my first kiss until I turned 20. It happens. But you know what, not being tied up in relationships at your age helped me get a better grip on who I was and who I wanted to be. It's served me well.

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  2. I was you 15 years ago, assuming we can omit the existence of facebook and Myspace. My first kiss and date both occured when I was 18 (and six months, no less). No one ever called me pretty because I wasn't pretty. I had this terrible short haircut, glasses, bad skin, and I was fat. I always dressed like a dude, and I still do. However, my poor taste in fashion is the only trend that endured. As soon as I started college, I began to garner the interest of guys. I didn't look different yet but I was no longer trapped in a tiny town with few romantic options. 10 years ago, I'd already had a few boyfriends, fallen in love once, been loved a few times, and was one year away from meeting the first boyfriend I would live with. Take a deep breath, remember the value of patience, and try to conceive that Life is loooooong and the path will not always consist of such torturous terraine. Sun-soaked flatlands lie ahead if only you strive to reach them.

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