Tired of being your sugar momma

I gave up my chances at having the life I would have loved for my children- I couldn't go to college and have a career and raise them at the same time... and now it's too late, I'm too busy working to put food on the table to finish school and I feel I'm too old and unhappy to get a good job...I always thought it was ok, that they would live fabulous lives and be wonderful people that I'd be the "supportive mom" who backed them to where they are... instead now I'm afraid, looking at them, that it wasn't worth it- they're lazy and unappreciative and without any kind of drive or ambition...I can't believe sometimes they are my children...what did I do wrong? Why are they like this? oh it was such a waste, I could have been ANYthing....

My husband doesn't work... he used to make excuses not to find a job- there weren't any out there, he just didn't have the skills, he could make more money from home, the people were assholes, and so on, but now he doesn't even bother to try to make excuses. I have been supporting him for five years now, with him only adding here and there to our income, and then he acts like he's don something great, and I DO love him very much but I am so tired of being the breadwinner, I wish he would either get up off his ass and go find a job or just die quietly in his sleep so I didn't have to have ANOTHER mouth to feed. My life is just stress upon stress and he lives this carefree existence without any responsibility and even though I feel guilty at even typing this stuff, I go OH that's why my kids are like this...they take after him, not me...

I wonder what would happen to all of them if it was ME who died, I think it might actually be the best thing for them, because it would snap them out of their idle existences and they'd HAVE to do something because I wouldn't be there to do it for them. I know this is all my own fault.... I shouldn't feel any kind of self pity, but i still do, and it makes me even more suicidal because I'm such a fucking WASTE of a life...I dream of different ways I could die, and sometimes the only thing stopping me is fear that I'm wrong, and I won't have a do-over... but god this has been such a stupid life, such a waste of myself, I made all the wrong choices, and I have taken all the wrong paths and I look at younger women and want to scream at them to be selfish, look out for number one, no one is going to appreciate your sacrifices.

I could be an awesome cougar- I'm still so damn hot, and I know I'd be better in bed than inexperienced girls... I think back to how deeply insecure I was and how hard I hid it when I was in my twenties and it seems like NOW I'm finally happy with myself, and my body and my sexuality, and damn it seems like I'm wasting this too, letting it pass by when I could be showing some young man how to REALLY work it, how to take your body into a place you can't dream of when you're young and fumbling and full of passion but without the experience to use it right. WHY are woman in their 30s and men in their 20s sexually compatible?

Why are us hot "older" women married to boring old men who snore and lost their sex drive years ago? I feel the eyes of young men on me and think this stuff, my husband is always jealous because men of all ages look at me...and never thinks maybe he should go to the gym and lose his gut and start having some FUN sex instead of the same old boring bullshit but I've never been unfaithful and don't know if I could do it without drowning in guilt. I've been with this man forever, and he's lost his appreciation for what he has, but also doesn't want anyone else to have it. Why is he out of shape, gross and lazy and doesn't even try to match his hot, fit, toned beautiful wife???? I think about combining two of my problems and having sex for money... but I don't know how to go about it.


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