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Monday, June 14, 2010

Every loneliness is a pinnacle

1.  I am pregnant.  For the fourth time.  The first I placed for adoption, I am happy with how that turned out.  The other two were aborted.  This one faces the same fate.  I am deeply ashamed of this, nobody but my significant other knows about the abortions.  I live in a rural area, have a low paying job with no health insurance.  I can't afford birth control.  I do not want children due to my financial situation and academic aspirations.  Furthermore I simply dislike children.   This pregnancy could be caused by any of three men.  One of whom is my significant other.   I must sound so trashy.

2.  While I'm mentioning my disdain for children I might as well say I abhor my significant other's children.  This is probably the reason for my dislike of children in general.  They are mediocre, rude, selfish little snots!  As are most other children.  I know they are just kids, its not their fault.  I still just don't like them.  If they weren't around perhaps I would have carried out one of my pregnancies.  But I'd never want it to grow up around them. Yes I realize this makes it that much trashier.  I wish they and their bitch moms would just go away.  I hate their moms for being so stupid.  They shouldn't be raising those kids in their circumstances.  They both used my significant other to get pregnant because they, like so many other ignorant young women in small towns like this, think it's the only meaning to life.   I would never express this to him or the children.

3.  One of the men I see occasionally for sex is completely enamored with me.  I don't think I feel the same but I love the attention, not for the fact that it's attention, but the way he does it.  I don't know how appropriate it is for me to keep allowing him to give me this kind of attention.  I love my significant other, very much.  He is my companion.  I just need sex with different men to get my rocks off, and boost my self esteem sometimes.  He knows that, though he doesn't like it much.

4.  To keep up with the trend of sexuality on this website, I have hardcore rape fantasies.  I like rape porn.  I love violent, dominating sex.  I love being subdued and forced into whatever sexual act the man desires.  I've never had sex with a man that is rough enough with me, they are always hesitant to actually cause me pain.

5.  Finally, I am so reclusive, my only "friends" are coworkers that I don't see outside of work, and I only see my small family on holidays.  I am not in touch with any of my former high school friends.  I don't know why it is so difficult for me to make or keep friends.  I am so lonely.  I have never fallen out with a friend.  I am not a mean, vindictive, or rude person.  Other than my secret hatred for children I like and get along with all types of people.  I am intelligent, pretty,  patient and thoughtful.  I am complimented on my warm and caring nature by people I volunteer and work with.  I certainly have no trouble meeting men who fall in love with me.  Why am I not friend-material?  The art of making friends is a mystery to me, when I see everyone else around me doing it with ease.

1 comment:

  1. #5: Make the effort and make time for others. People will appreciate that you thought of them. People are by and large just caught up in their own world, so sometimes it's just necessary to remind them that there is a world outside themselves (which happens to include you).

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