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Friday, June 11, 2010

Fear of failure is the thief of dreams

when i was little i was raped a few times. then i just started doing it. i had no clue what was going on. he always made me do it. but only the first few times did i try to make him stop. i still tell everyone that im a virgin.

im still in love with my ex. he knows. he says the same, but yet he still has a girlfriend and won't talk to me unless i talk to him first. he says he wants me as his first but i think he already lost his virginity and is just saying it cuz he knows i want him to be my first and it would just be free sex. i want to spend the rest of my life with him. even if i dont have a relationship with him i want him there. i would love to marry him and have his kids. all he knows is that i still have feelings for him. everything he tells me id loved to believe but ive been lied to so many times by too many peeople i cant believe him even though i knoe he would never lie.

i know there are things im really good at like writing, softball, music, photography but i always give up on those things because im afraid of getting used or having my ideas stolen. im always self concious and feel like im never doing anything good enough so the only things that i can do good people think i suck at them.

everyone thinks i have my job for the money but really its just so that i can get away from my mom and sometimes my sister or friends.

im scared to be just like my mom. i want kids so badly but i dont want my kids to have a childhood like mine. sometimes i imagine my self having kids and like to pretend like i do.

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