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Saturday, July 24, 2010

Righting the ship


5)There are times when I wish for something tragic, just so I can have an undeniable reason to run to him and cry in his arms. But that's silly, since I bet he'd hold me if I asked him to. I suppose what I really want is to have that one, pure, defining moment of vulnerability with him.

4)Its starting to sink in that in a year will come changes that mean I'll most likely never see most of these people again, and I'm okay with that. There are better people than the immature scumwhores that live here.

3)I feel I'm too old to be 17. That's not really a secret, since I already posted it on this site...but lately it seems to be more and more true. I mean, I love a 24 year old man with a 4 year old kid. Truly love. That's so bizarre to me, but for once when I say the words "I love you too", I don't get that uneasy feeling that lets me know I'm lying. I mean it. He's truly my best friend. 

2)In the past few months I've stopped pretending I can live with silly teenage crushes and pass any affection off as love the way we tend to do. I just can't do that anymore, things have stopped being whimsical, and I've had a heavy dose of reality. I accept my feelings for him, and was strangely happy to see how wide his smile was in the picture where he was hugging his girlfriend. He was happy, and that's all I cared about.

1)This isn't much of a true secret, but its the source of a lot of change in my life: I'm starting to fight for the sake of ME. I can't keep helping others when my own ship is sinking. It hurts sometimes. I don't deny that. But if I can't keep myself happy and afloat, I cannot do the same for others. Its taken me a while to realize this, and I realized it in part because of therapy. I'm not sure I can say anything that hasn't been said before in various success stories and commercials, but seeking help truly made a difference in how I live my life, a positive difference. Its a hard decision at first, but I can honestly say it was one of the best decisions I ever made for myself. I'm hoping some of you out there can make that decision too, I promise you, you deserve to live a happier life.

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1 comment:

  1. scumwhores...that's a new one to me. I like it. :)

    Also, I'm glad you figured out that you need to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else. I haven't been to therapy, but I thankfully figured that one out myself a while ago. One of the best epiphany/realizations ever.

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