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Monday, August 16, 2010

Perfect is never enough

1. I’m fourteen and I want to kill myself. The feeling is overwhelming. Though the need is great, I have told myself that I do not deserve the sweet release of death because I am such a horrible being. My closest friend has been suicidal as well, and she told me she doesn’t want to end her life anymore. She lied to me for the longest time and I acquired trust issues so I am having a hard time trusting her statement. I was prescribed anti-depressants; my immune system grew used to it so they have no effect and I have ceased to take them, however. I tell my parents I still do to keep them from worrying.

2. I’m a full out grammar Nazi. My eyes burn when someone types something wrong, or uses incorrect grammar. I want to shoot them in the head. I especially hate it when “sum1 tipes lyke dis” And lately, people have been using ‘q’ instead of ‘g’. Like when they say ‘omg’ it’s ‘omq’. It drives me nuts.

3. I want to be raped just so I can get this virginity thing over with. People close to me have been raped or had sex at an early age and when I’m around them, I feel so out.

4. I love cutting. I adore watching the blood slowly ebb from a cut. On my ankle, wrist, wherever. I’m addicted.

5. I’ve been lying to those closest to me for four years. A good friend asked me to stop cutting and I agreed. A huge lie, as you can see from Secret Four. I realized I had depression when I was in fifth grade but I hid it, thinking that I would be judged. My parents never even noticed. At all. Apparently, I cannot do anything good enough for my mother and father. They always expect more than I can supply.
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1 comment:

  1. I received this comment via the submission box:


    To the author of Perfect is Never Enough: I have definitely been there, and I struggled with the idea of trying to be perfect for them. It was more than I can handle. As humans, we aren't meant to be perfect. We're supposed to make mistakes, and be able to learn from them.
    That was probaly one of the most difficult things I've ever had to learn. At the same time, I'm glad I did. So, to you, don't feel like you have to be perfect to please your parents. If they aren't happy with you as a person, they aren't worth it. Sad to say, but it's true.
    You need to focus on what it will take to make you happy, not everyone else around you. Try maybe every night or morning, thinking of one good thing that happened that day. Maybe it's as simple as "it was sunny today, and the sun felt good on my skin" or it could be something more like talking to an old friend or helping someone, just anything. I know it sounds cheesy but it really can help.
    Also, try doing one thing that you love doing, every day. Maybe it's a tv show, reading a book, music, photography, art, dance, exercise, etc. Just anything that makes you happy.
    I don't know if you'll actually read this, or if it will help you at all, but I really hope it does. Good luck!
    Oh, and K, this is a fantastic site, great job. :)

    ReplyDelete

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