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Married guy got too close

1. I hate and still love my former best friend. I am a guy he is a married guy, 6 years older. and ditched me cuz i was too young. we are both in our 20's
2. I am secretly gay, and have a strong fetish for large men asses. my former best friend had the perfect example of one. large round and perky. what ever he had on would cling to his beefy butt.
3. I am still somewhat a virgin. I fooled around with my male cousin when i was younger, touching and kissing and stuff but never sucking or penetration. haven't seen since i was 15. we live in differant states.
4. I have also fooled around with a 55 year old friend too. but it is just jerking off and showering together and kissing. he won't let anymore happen.
5. I wish I could lose my total virginity to any of the three still. both being top and bottom. but especially topping my ex best friend. as well getting him drunk and drugged and letting him get raped by a bunch of donkey dicked black men who would appreciate his quality ass. GAWD I still want to rim his sweaty hairy ass so bad. that would also be a new experience.     

ps: number 6. when we were friends we were really close. brotherly. and when i would get horny i would grab his ass jokingly. or pinch his nipples. and he would do it back. I loved wrestling with him and sleeping over. we shared a bed. I miss my buddy. 

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