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Nothing wrong with holding back a little

* I started talking to a guy that was much younger than me. I made a mistake of telling him that I have had rape fantasies. Well, he started forcing sex on me every time we were together. I loved it. Once I finally decided that I did not want to continue this and told him I was dating someone, he was not happy. I guess one last time he thought he needed to get his dick wet. He pushed me into a room, jerked my pants down and pushed me down on all fours. Needless to say he got what he wanted. No one knows about this.
* I feel so guilty for even telling him that I had rape fantasies. I feel like it is my fault that the last episode happened because I had let him do this to me for 2 months so how could I say no this time. It just felt completely different. I did not want it. I can't even tell my boyfriend this happened because I feel like it was my own fault. 
* This guy has since begged me to give him a chance to be in a relationship with me. I told him that it would never work between the two of us. I feel like he would destroy me in a relationship and above that, I love my boyfriend. I never even cared about this guy. It was simply sex.
* Sometimes I wish that I could talk about my feelings with someone but I don't know who would really understand. Not just about this horrible guy but about everything. I am happy and sad at the same time. I love life but I feel I can't go another day. I don't get how I can have such extreme feelings about everything.
* I love my boyfriend with everything in me, but something tells me that things are not going to last between us. Maybe it's that our personalities aren't a match. Not sure. I don't want anything to go wrong in this relationship but for some reason I can't give 100% of my heart. I will admit that I am still holding back.

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