Holly Hill Hell

1.  - I bought the antifreeze to take my life, then told my mom to take it away from me.

2. - My anti-depressant is only making me want to get crafty with my suicide plans.

3. - I'm really scared to commit suicide- not about dying- but about failing and getting sent to Holly Hill.

4. - I don't know what I'm doing. I think I have lost control.

5. - Yess, my life is consumed by my depression. And no, you would not know if you met me in person.

[Admin Here --

First of all, thank you for telling your mom about the antifreeze. It's obvious that you are in a pretty bad place right now and I'm sure that suicide seems like a very attractive option. I've been there. It was very brave of you to put those desires aside for long enough to reach out to your mother and save her from the devastation of losing a child in spite of your own pain. 

You may know this already, but there are many anti depressants that have the side effect of inducing suicidal thoughts, especially among young people. Even if you were suicidal before you started taking the antidepressant, it may be making the situation worse and it sounds like you are inclined to believe it is. If you haven't done so, I encourage you to talk to you mother and your doctor about switching to a different drug and/or focusing more on non-drug therapy. Depression is a complicated and debilitating condition and there are no universal solutions. Please maintain hope that you can conquer this -- I know that it is sometimes impossible to believe that anything could ever get better, let alone permanently. That is what makes the permanence of suicide so tempting to a depressive person -- but there is help out there, and whatever it is that has got you so down can be fixed, or at the least hurt less with time and patience. You are loved, probably by many more people than you are aware of, and your life is a gift that you should never return -- as much as many of us would like to trade our own in for something better. Good luck, thank you for reading, thank you for posting. Please stay with us and continue to seek the help you need to get through this. 

Much love,

K]

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