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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Prerequisite: Learn to love yourself

1. All i want to do is die. I cut myself all the time. The last time i did it didn't stop bleeding. I don't think i can handle living anymore. I don't even feel like trying. Lately i have been thinking about quiting my job so i can sleep all the time. I know i am depressed i can feel it. Every thought i have is about killing myself. I keep thinking that if i did die or committed suicided if anyone would care.
2. My three year old sister just got back from being away from me for a week. I ran up to her to hug her and she ran away screaming. I dont think she remembers me. Either that or she hates me. I don't blame her i hate myself too. Her not hugging me and running away and crying made me think about cutting. I think i am going to after i get done with my five secrets.
3. My anti depressants arnt working anymore. I told my family that i cut and they didnt say anything they just looked at me and rolled their eyes. That hurt so bad.
4. i feel like i cant talk to anyone about anything anymore. I dont think that my family loves me and my friends treat me like a piece of shit. I guess i deserve it though. I feel like if i dont get help soon i am going to lose it and just go off on everyone and finally end my life.
5. I always find things that i can hang myself with. I always think of where i can do it or when. like when everyone is gone or sleeping i think of hanging myself from the fan in the bathroom. I wonder if anyone would remember me for anything i have ever done or if i would just fade away like i never existed. I just want to stop feeling like this. I started getting depressed when my grandpa(who was like my dad) divorced my grandma and left us with all of his debt. We don't have a lot of things and it makes me feel bad when my friends have to buy me things. I help my family out as much as i can. i always give them money and try to help anyway i can. even though it feels like no one will return the favor. All i want is for my dad to love me but he loves his wifes siblings more than he loves me. They have gone through a lot and i understand that but i have done everything i can to help my dad and he has never bought me a present, told me happy birthday or told me that he loves me without his wife making him say it. Secretly i think he hates me and he thinks that life would be better without me here. All i want is to be loved for once in my life i would like to hear someone say that they love me and actually mean it. That is all i want for christmas is for someone to truly love me for who i am and i wont have to put on this happy face anymore i sick of pretending. I JUST WANT TO BE ME!!!

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



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