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Saturday, January 8, 2011

Can't see that in a mirror

1. I am sad all the time. I get so down about life because im 20 and have yet to apply for college. I feel as though I've accomplished nothing in life.

2. I wish the world wasn't such a hard and cruel place. And that people were more loving with one another. We are all just people and we all have problems. We should be more compassionate with each other. But no one really seams to care, most people are so wrapped up in there own life they can't see anything but there own problems.

2. This is my 2nd time posting on this site. It makes me feel good I can say things openly and no one knows its me or can get their feelings hurt from what I say. So K, thank you.

3. I really wish my boyfriend would look in the mirror and see him self....see what he has done to me and care enough to change. He's had more then enough chances and this one is his last. I love him, I know he's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and I want to be able to do that. I'm try to help him with his problems...I guess I'll see if he's serious...if he changes he is if not...well I'm through. I don't need more heart break.

4. I am an oxymoron. With me its hot/cold, up/down, left/right, yes/no. I am almost always torn between things. I see good and bad to most all things and I find it very hard to stay on one side of the fence, unless it is a major issue I'm passionate about.

5. My deepest and darkest secret is...I'm into a very different type of life style then your typical vanilla person. And only two people know this about me(my bf and best friend).I'm a Sub and I love it. But I also have a bit of Dom in me that I would like to try out. I think I just might be a switch but I am unsure because my boyfriend(every day life) and Sir(in the bed room)...(btw my bf and Sir are the same person)...will not let me experience what it is like to be a Dom...because he is one and doesn't like to be dominated. He tells me I don't have a dominate bone in my body, but I know in my heart he is wrong. He is scard I will like it to much. I think its messed up I can give him complete control over me yet he can't do the same for me. It makes me sad. He's the only guy I have ever dated and been with in anyway other then just friends and hopefully it will stay that way...but I just wish he would let me give being a dominatrix a go. I know I could rock his world and enjoy every second of it.

Bonus: I honestly cannot believe I just told the world my true self(being secret #5)  :O

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight



Discuss this post.

3 comments:

  1. Kelly this is a long post....but I would appreciate it if you found the time to respond. It contains secrets.

    What is your honest opinion of my post above??? Also my first post titled go fourth and multiply, what were your thoughts on it? Please don't hold back because of fear you'd hurt my feelings. I want the Gods honest truth. Does it make sence to love some one who is abusive in a real life way(abusive in a mental and emotional way) and also in terms of sexual relations abusive by using and abusing(because of BDSM and our S/M sexual relations)??? I mean I enjoy the sexual side of things and the side of him when he is genuinly caring and loving...but is it worth staying when I've been cheated on 3+ times? Does it even make sence I trust him with my body, but not to do the right thing when it comes to staying faithful to me? I've tried to leave and I have several times, but one way or another we get back together.

    My whole life I watched my father beat and abuse my mom. It killed me inside. I tried my best to help her. But I couldn't do much. He was bigger and stronger then me, I did what I could as a young child...things like jumping in between the chaos and making it less worse on my mom. My dad drank and did all kinds of drugs...I found his drugs many times. As a child I created a world of my own, a world just as bad if not worse then reality was. Where I was the victim and I got abused and hurt. I stayed in that world as much as I could. I felt like I was horrible and I didn't deserve to live. I wanted to die from such a young age...6 maybe 7years. Part of the reason I created this world was because of my mom, she couldn't deal with all the abuse on her own so she took a lot of it out on me and would just cry to me and apologize saying she loved me and didn't mean it.

    I now have a better grasp on reality, though I find my self slipping back into that world I create so long ago...and the BDSM relationship I have with my bf keeps me out of that world. When we stop practicing, I slip here and there and that seriously scares me, cause I did some pretty horrid things to my self back then...and several times almost took my life.

    I feel that...maybe the Apple didn't fall far from the tree and I'm just following my mom. That I found a guy who used to use drugs(but been clean for at least 4 years) and is an abuser. So basicly I looked for a guy like my father. Do you see that? But on the other side he's a much better guy then my father ever will be. Because he is loving and kind and wants my happiness.

    I tried to tell my mom before about how she effected me when I was younger and she told me I was a lier...also tried to have her be there for me on suicide issues...she told me both times I needed help and wasn't normal. Don't get me wrong my moms a great women and I love her a lot and now that I'm older she is much better and my father wouldn't dear lay a hand on her. FUNNY THING....she asks me why I'm so down on life when I have my whole life a head of me....she wants to know why I'm so beat down by life....she can't see the reasons and she won't hear them. She still to this day tells me I need to see some one. Because my drive for life comes and goes.

    I'm not sure why I feet the need to post this comment or why I want your(k) or any ones else's opinion on it, but i would. So if you could ans the questions I saws and tell me what you think in all around.

    Thanks,
    M

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi M-

    I have been working with a therapist myself for several months, for the first time in my life.

    One of the things that he emphasizes to me at essentially every appointment is that it is completely normal to take something negative that happened in childhood and repeat patterns throughout adult life that attempt to take that negative and traumatizing situation and correct it. However, we make the same mistakes again and again and are never able to change the behaviors and patterns that contribute to it without recognizing many hard truths about our own level of responsibility for the situation. It is only in accepting responsibility for our unhappiness that we can take control of it and change it.

    I am no therapist, obviously, but it seems pretty clear that you are repeating this pattern of victimhood and abusive relationships. From the tone of your comment I doubt you would disagree with me on that. Regardless of your mom's level of denial about her role in the situation and perhaps also her own need for healing, you might heed her advice to seek out a therapist to try to work through all of this. You don't have to be abnormal or crazy to need therapy. I find that what it really does is provide me with an objective outsider to call me on it when I'm doing things contrary to my own best interests so that I don't underestimate their effect on events or tell myself there was nothing else I could do.

    As far as your relationship, I'm not you so I can't say what is worth it to you or not. It doesn't sound like something I would want to be in if it were my life -- I've always felt like if I feel the need to cheat and can't or don't want to talk to my partner about it, I probably don't want to be in that relationship and have maybe even given up on it completely without realizing it. Beyond that, I've never been in an abusive relationship and don't think I could be. If you like it in the bedroom that may blur the line a bit, but I can't speak to that from personal experience either.

    I guess what I'm saying is -- look at your life. Try to figure out what aspects make you unhappy, what you can do to change them, and whether you think professional assistance might benefit you. Good luck.

    K

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thanks k, you give sold advise and your opinion is good to have. I see it all, now I just have to figure out what to do. And I believe it would benefit me to see a therapist.
    Thank You,
    M

    ReplyDelete

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