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Submit to K

1) I feel very ugly and fat. Eh who am I kidding, I am. For real, I am. I'm around 180 pounds, 5'15, and I have acne. Cause of this, I've always rather stay home and not hang out with friends. I hate shopping. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate making new friends. But friends think I am those who cares type probably because I'm 'happy' all the time. I act like I'm happy but I ain't.. anyways, I was over 200 pounds last year. I've decided to change. I lost arnd 20+ pounds. Nevertheless, I don't see any difference at all! :( I feel like givingggggg up to be honest. Like ugh, its hard. I really wanna love the way I look for once in my life!!(I'm 17+) when I see my pretty and hot friends, I'm like, fml. Oh and I went for checkup for my face, my parents agreed to help me pay for the pills and treatment. I really can't wait, I'm just scared that I won't look good. I'm scared eventho I go jogging and stop eating much, I won't get to lose weight. Like, waste of time and effort..
2) linked to the previous secret, I think I'm going thru depression. I get angry at the littlest things and I cry randomly all the time. I have thoughts of suicide. Like when I'm mad or sad, I imagine myself hurting myself. Okay maybe not suicide, but hurt myself, sometimes others. Sometimes I feel like punching someones face, till it bleeds. Is this all symptoms of depression tho? Cause Idk what to do?
3) okay link to the second secret.. one of the reason I'm sad and always mad is cause my mom.. she.. just no comments. I mean she's nice and all. I can't say she's the worst mother but I can't say she's the best mom either. She's manipulative, she makes up stories to my dad about us(sis), she tells us a different opinion and agrees with us but when we're with our dad, she'll just disagree with us and twist all stories and change her opinion. She calls us ugly, fat, devil, worthless, pig, and many more. She is just hard to deal with. But I just gotta suck it up and wait.
4) Another reason why I'm sad is well, because of this guy. Its just impossible for us to be together(long distance, religion & belief) but I like him a lot. He likes me a lot too. But I just can't. Tried to tell him to stop talking as much, but he wouldn't let me go. Its just nearly impossible for us to be together. I'm trying to talk lesser and lesser to him tho'. But I'm failing :(.
5) I always have thoughts of my parents passing away. Like, out of a sudden, my dad has a heartattack or my mom like get into an accident. Scares me sometimes. Feel like a freak. Hah.

Thanks for reading. I assure you, all of them are secrets and I didn't tell anyone about it. Take care. Heh.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation:straight

[For readers other than the OP, there was a private note at the end requesting advice & expressing doubt that I would want to provide it. Rest assured that I don't mind providing advice but also keep in mind, everyone, that I am not a mental health professional. I'm just a chick with a website, and I feel like most of the advice I give is actually sort of repetitive, so please don't expect miracles! I can only tell you what I would do in the same situation. Also, it DOES take more time than just posting stuff and as always, I'm doing this for all-but-free. It's sweet that ya'all send me notes saying you love me and want to take me out if I ever come to X place that's 2000 miles away from me, but it does me a lot more good when you buy the pro iPhone or Android apps or send a donation (even a tiny one!) and seriously, that stuff ALWAYS makes my day. I'm just sayin.

To the poster: Congratulations on your weight loss. I know it can be frustrating to not see results as quickly as you would like, but please rest assured that 20 pounds makes a HUGE difference even if you can't see it. Keep it up and try not to get frustrated. Also, keep in mind that even if you reach your goal weight, you still might not feel beautiful. There are plenty of not-exactly-skinny women out there who feel great about themselves in spite of what fashion magazines and media lead us to believe is the only possible standard of beauty. I'm a curvy woman myself and I have to tell you that there are a LOT of men out there, maybe even a majority, who love a curvy lady.

If you think you're depressed, you probably are. If you can, seek out a therapist -- I know it can be scary but therapy REALLY does help. Depression is in many ways a natural result of a lot of modern societal trends and learning how to cope with everyday life without letting it get you down is a skill that will last you forever. I do all kinds of things to keep myself positive and every little bit helps.

Sounds like your mom is pretty wrapped up in some negative thought patterns herself. I know it's hard but try not to take it too seriously. Usually when people are mean and manipulative they are actually trying to make themselves feel better in one way or another, and it's sad. Don't let her turn you into the same person and remember that each and every one of us can make a positive difference in the world just by treating others with compassion and respect!

As for the guy, sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear, but you should probably cut him loose. If you know you can't be with him and it's only making you sad, you're wasting emotional energy on him that you could otherwise be spending on someone who CAN make you happy and be with you. For me in situations like that, cold turkey is pretty much all that works. Explain to him why you need some distance and then STOP talking to him, period, no exceptions. Maybe some day you will feel like you can handle it but for me, the urge to reconnect usually fades surprisingly fast. There are other fish in the sea.

As far as random fears of losing your parents -- that sort of thing happens to all of us. Try to focus on more positive things and whenever one of those scary thoughts hits you, remember that it's just a thought, and that doesn't make it any more real or valid than any other fantasy. Good luck.


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