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Monday, March 14, 2011

There is nothing like being wanted

I need sex to feel wanted from my husband. He shows me love all the time, more than I really want to admit because it just makes me feel all the worse.

He got frustrated with me one time because I never force myself onto him when I really really wanted to have sex. So I changed that. Now I believe I do it too much because of the way he acts. I believe I need to feel wanted all the time just so my self-confidence doesn't haunt me. I think secret #1 is bothering my husband now a days.

I really wish I didn't need sex to feel good about myself. But I take it as a sense of security that he still wants me physically as well and not just emotionally. I'm afraid to tell him that because I know his exact reaction. He would basically spend an hour saying the same things over and over, "I love you, you're beautiful and nothing could ever take me away from you or make me want to leave." I want a different reaction.

I really just want to cry right now. Just feel the hot tears run down my face. Feel the way my heart begins to race when I hold my breath too long just so I won't be too loud for him to hear. But also secretly wanting him to hear that I'm trying hard to keep my feelings from him.

I finally asked him why he couldn't just tell me the real reason on why he doesn't want to have sex when I put myself out there. He told me he wasn't interested at the time. "Not interested." That gave me a blow. He told me he was too tired and wanted to do something else. If I ever gave him those reasons he would get his way anyway. You know why? All because of secret #1. I could be in pain, extremely tired, or not interested but I would give it my all just so he would be pleased, just so I knew I was wanted in the end.

Bonus:
I think I'll just let him have his way whenever he just wants to. Him saying he wasn't interested really hurt. I don't think I'll ever put myself out there again. From now on, I'll feel wanted when he decides he wants to finally get his rocks off, despite the way I feel, he can molest my body anytime, just straight up use me from now on. I'll still be the best sex he ever wanted.

Gender: female
Sexual Orientation: straight


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1 comment:

  1. I have felt the same way w/my boyfriend of 3years. Sometimes he just doesnt want it and I feel unwanted in all ways if he doesnt. I know sex doesnt equal loved but I still need it to feel like he really loves me. He also said the I wasnt interested thing once lately it does hurt. I always want him and I have never turned him down...

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