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Controlled chaos

1. I really hate myself. I know that I am a decent person in some capacities, but I also know that I am of 0 value to any women. I have never had success with women, and I know that many girls are repulsed by me. I am not a very attractive guy but I am not disfigured, strange looking, or morbidly obese. Even though no one knows how I really feel about myself in that way, it is something that eats me alive everyday (I think about this at least 20 times a day). There have been a couple girls that have contributed to that sentiment, but I really just want to find a girl that is a decent person (not necessarily cheery all the time, but genuine and decent).

2. I am an alcoholic. I drink everyday, but I am a pleasant drunk so everyone in my life thinks the way that I am is okay or somewhat okay (and maybe it is), but it kinda sucks that I have to drown my sorrows in booze everyday.

3. Recently, almost every one of my close friends (some of which I hope are  geographical reasons) have abandoned me. I have no known quarrels with any of them but it really hurts (I can't really openly talk to any them about this because it would only make them think I am nuts). I realize that this is hard to take this as factual / realistic because I just revealed that I am an alcoholic, but trust me when I say that these platonic breakdowns are not because of my actions.

4. I have a close female friend that I am completely in love with. She and I are much closer than we have ever been but I have never tried to make a move because I am convinced that it would be unsuccessful and would f up our friend ship. She is possibly the best person that I have ever met in my life, I would do anything to help / protect her (really anything). She is also really cute to boot...

5. I have a drug habit (not an addiction)...I use opiates on a weekly basis. Not because I need them, but because I like them and they relieve many pains of life. On the weekends I load up and do them until monday comes around. I have been doing them for about 6 years and many people have not noticed because I am still well in control of it.

Gender: male
Sexual Orientation: straight

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1 comment:

  1. Tell her how you feel, then clean yourself up, or get some help.


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