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Monday, May 3, 2010

Fear has nothing to do with rationality

I told my friend I slept with her younger brother and now I'm afraid for our friendship.

Whenever I do something wrong (like sleep with someone I don't know), I start to spiral out of control, sleeping with anyone who shows interest, becoming fixated on my weight, etc...

I was molested my a 60 something year old man from church from age 9 to 11. I told my parents when I was 15. He is serving life plus 10 years in prison for over 80 counts of sodomy and related offenses that he committed on other young girls . Sometimes I feel guilty that he never raped me and he raped the other girls. I wish I had told earlier, maybe I could have saved some of the other girls.

Sometimes I wonder if I am so promiscuous because of being molested. I crave unhealthy attention and I want to make it stop.

I am afraid of the dark. I can't be in a room and turn off the light and walk out of the room. I will turn on other lights on the way to the light I need to turn on because I can't be in the dark. I still run to get away from the "person" behind me in my own house. I am almost 22 and this is an insanely irrational fear.

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