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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Gogo boots = WIN

5. I have no idea where to begin, how to describe the way things fell apart. I had a best friend, he's an amazing guy and we both experienced betrayal and pain. But we got eachother through it. We always had that. But then...then we decided we wanted a little more. We started having sex, no strings attached. Now we rarely talk about things that matter. I traded my best friend for empty sex and the guilt and emptiness is burning me alive.

4. I'm terrified of him. Not because I'm afraid he'll hit me, or abuse me, or yell at me or anything close to that. I'm terrified I'll wake up and realize I'm in love with him. He couldn't love me back, not at this point in his life. I don't want to waste my last year here wanting, craving, and pining someone who I cannot have.

3. On a different note, I intend to become a gogo dancer to earn spending money when I go to college. I feel insanely thrilled when I'm being watched, and thought about. Plus i'd stay thin and I love dancing. Win/win situation....right?

2. Ever since I started taking medication for my mental disorder, I've started feeling fear over such irrational things. I haven't been afraid of being kidnapped since I was a child, I haven't been grossed out by blood and gore for years, I never let people walk over me, I'm just so sensitive now and I hate it.

1. The most peaceful quiet I have ever known I found at the bottom of a pool. Deep breath, sink, long exhale, and suddenly everything disappears. And the relief I feel when I come up for that first breath sweetens the blow of coming back to it all. I wish I had a pool, just so I could escape every now and then.


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1 comment:

  1. have fun gogoing. I have a friend who gogos in Minneapolis and she LOVES it. :)

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