Eager to please

1) I use to write the names down of guys that I had sex with in a notebook. Haven't done that in about 7 years.

2) If I start dating someone new I lie about how many sexual partners I have had.  I say I have only slept with 8 people.  That is a lie.  I have actually slept with over 100 guys. I only count the ones that I don't use a condom with and I have to be really serious about them to not use one.  I have slept with over 8 people since my marriage ended two years ago.

3) I will have sex with just about anyone as long as they use a condom. Crazy thing is that I don't get anything out of it.  I don't understand why I still want to have so much sex.  I guess I like the feeling of acceptance.  Knowing that someone wants me makes me feel good.

4) I have only had an orgasm during sex with a few people.  Otherwise I completely fake multiple orgasms just to make the guy feel good and then I take care of my own orgasm later.  I know what gets me off better than some random guy anyways.

5) I wish I knew why I couldn't say no.  I just want to be faithful in a relationship but I know I can't so I don't get into one.  I know that as soon as someone else comes along I will have sex with them and I will feel extremely guilty for having sex with them.  I don't understand why I do this.  And I still stay depressed all the time.  Mostly because I can't tell a guy no.  If they want to have sex I do it.  No matter where I am, I will find a place.  In a car, in a bathroom, behind a building.  Where ever.  I don't care.

Bonus:  I just want to stop this behavior.  I am getting too old to continue this.  Either I need to quit it all together or I need to start getting paid.  Just joking.  I don't want to be a prostitute.  I just want to be loved.  Then again, how can someone love me if I can't be faithful.


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