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Saturday, July 3, 2010

I need a plan like that

1) I feel like I have failed my mother because I am not the religious freak that she would like for me to be.  I know there is a God and I still read my bible and pray occassionally but I am not as into it as she is.

2) I feel like I have failed my dad because I am always in a financial bind and asking him to help me. I have always had a job but because I have no education I make no money and therefore it's hard to pay my bills every month.

3) I feel like I have failed my son because I left his father.  I was never in love with him, don't think he was ever in love with me and I did not want to continue to live the way we were.  However if I had known that his father would have nothing to do with him after I left I may have tried to do things differently somehow. I hope my son never turns on me because his dad never sees him.  I hope one day he understands that I do all I can to contact his dad but to no avail.

4) I feel like I have failed myself in so many ways.  I do things that I know I shouldn't sometimes but at the time I am not thinking about it being bad I am thinking that it makes me feel better for the moment.  I am not the person I want to be.

5) My last secret is that I have a secret.  LOL.  I have somewhat of a plan to better mine and my son's lives however I can't share that on five secrets cause my brother is very good at guessing my posts.  I would rather him not see what I have planned just in case my plan fails.  I hope it doesn't because although my son and I have a roof over our heads, food in our mouths and clothes to wear I want to make a better life for us and I will do that in a matter of time.  It may take longer than I plan but we will want for nothing and I will never have to ask my dad for help again.


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3 comments:

  1. his dad is the one who chooses to not see him, so your son really has no reason to blame you. I have a dad like that pretty much. I know it's his own fault, not my mom's and not my own.

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  2. Thanks, Sirenetta. I never talk bad about my son's father in front of him. Hell, I hardly even talk about him other than with him. We always remember to talk about his daddy from time to time because I don't want him to forget that he has a daddy. I don't know what else to do other than sit back and wait for him to decide to stop taking me to court and losing and decides to spend that extra energy on seeing his son. Life is great for my child and I. We don't really need him around but I don't need him getting a new lawyer every time the old one drops his case cause they have lost 2 or 3 times. That's alot of added bucks that I don't have. I have to stress out about the money to pay my lawyer every time. Maybe one day he will learn that I am a good mother and he can not prove otherwise and he will leave us alone completely or he will decide to coparent with me. I hope that time comes sooner than later cause I can't do this until my child turns 18. He's only 5 and 13 years is a long time. :)

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  3. My mom did the same thing but, thankfully, she didn't have that extra stress of going to court all the time. I think I blamed my dad more than my mom wanted me to, so she tried to explain why he failed miserably at staying in touch. It helped, but there's only so far empathy can take you when it feels like you're being the adult in the child-parent relationship and you're only a teenager.
    Good luck to you. I hope your ex gives up the court battles soon and tries actually being a dad instead.

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