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Thursday, July 1, 2010

New friends needed

1)I so want to die, but I can’t bring myself to commit suicide. It’s not that I am afraid to or haven’t tried; I am just worried about how it will have an effect on the people I leave behind. Minutes ago I found myself with my gun in my hand. I put it away when I thought of my father having to come and claim my body. I am sure it would kill him as well. On several nights I have prayed myself to sleep, begging to die in my sleep. It feels sinful to pray for such a thing, but I feel so much mental pain each day that hell really couldn’t be worse. Tonight I will go to sleep repeating that same prayer, God please take me away from this pain.

2)I had an illness that almost killed me.  Lately all the warning signs are back. I haven’t gone to a doctor or mentioned it to anyone because it feels like a way out, without letting others know I had something to do with my own death.

3)Everyone I have every called family or friend has hurt me very deeply and I have never admitted it to them. I feel like they all love me when I am making things in their lives better by giving them all my time and money.  When I say that I can’t do things for them I become a Bitch. To keep them happy I give in sooner or later.

4)I no longer trust the man I love, who claims he loves me and I am his world. He has hurt me several times over the past year and only seems to be around when he needs me to make him feel good mentally or physically. He either doesn’t care or know how much I just need him, even though I have told him so on many occasions. If he just once was there when I needed a shoulder to cry on I would kill for him. I have already given him my heart and soul, so that is the only thing I have left.

5)The loneliness I feel in this world is unbearable. I can be standing in a crowd and feel like no one sees me or cares until they want or need me to do something for them. This pain and loneliness hasn’t killed me yet, but I also don’t feel any stronger.

Forum Name: Shattered Dreamer
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