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Saturday, July 10, 2010

Stranger

1. I am still in love with my ex who left me 4 years ago. She left me for someone I introduced her to. We had been together over a decade. I cheated on every girlfriend I have ever had except for her, she even gave me permission to be with other women but I never desired anything but her, she was perfect to me, everything I ever wanted and I loved her with all that I was/am. She has cheated on everyone she has ever been with, usually with ME both during a period of separation 1 year into the relationship and after she left me for my "friend", but she also cheated on me at least 3 times (which is why we separated).

2. The last time we had sex I used her in the worst way, I manipulated her into doing it for money even though she actually wanted to stop her cheating ways. She liked it, we even went for a second round. She said the reason why she left me is I am already corrupted and she wanted to be with the other guy because he was young and a virgin and she could corrupt him.

3. After a slew of short term failed relationships and meaningless sex I stopped seeing people. I met a woman about 6 months later who I married 6 months later. She loves me very much and has never cheated, more importantly she is not only completely honest with me but she has given me two beautiful children. I always wanted children, but my ex didn't, in fact after we broke up I found out that she had an abortion behind my back and against my will (I would have loved to have children with her). This haunts me to this day.

4. My wife does not satisfy me sexually, sometimes it's great but most of the time it lacks the raw passion and intensity that I enjoyed with my ex. My ex was a downright freak when it came to sex, it was anything goes. My wife isn't "bad" sexually, in fact the times it's been good it was the best I have ever had, she's just rarely in the right mood these days and is usually exhausted from working so hard and caring for our children. My desire for her in her fatigued and disinterested state often causes us to fight. As a result have been seeing prostitutes every now and then for the last two years behind my wife's back. I don't really enjoy it much, I'm not sure why I do it other than a simple act of rebellion. Most of the time I can't even get off. It's not what I desire but I guess it's just convenient because it's easier to hide a 30-60 minute quickie from my wife than a mistress. It doesn't require the time investment that an actual girlfriend does and the chances of getting caught are much lower since I don't have to ever talk to them again. I have also hooked up with random college girls on two separate occasions, which I found extremely hot because of the raw passion and desire (prostitutes lack any desire which is why I find them to be generally dis-interesting).

5. My wife was raped and physically/sexually abused as a child, she was a prostitute herself for a very short time and it made her truly miserable, despite the fact that unlike some people who completely close down she had the opposite reaction - it actually made her more kinky and interested in sex. I don't think she will ever fully recover from the psychological damage it caused but I love her anyway. The thing that bothers me most is when we do have sex she often wants to watch pornography and I feel it's very mechanical, it didn't used to be that way, and it drives me insane. I want more intimacy. It is probably the #1 reason why I want to cheat on her. Though it's not like I can find anything but mechanical sex that lacks intimacy with a prostitute either so I guess it's lose-lose. Despite all of this I will likely do it again, in fact the driving motivation for me to earn money right now is to be able to cheat on my wife more. I feel bad about all of this but apparently not bad enough, I have no problem lying to her and it doesn't haunt me or anything. In fact, about the only thing I look forward to these days is some strange.


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