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Boyfriend doesn't mean boss

1. I'm 18 and live with my boyfriend. He's way older then me I have been messing with him since I was like 13. It was so exciting in the begining but now its kinda boring all we do it fight.
2. I cheated on him so many time because I thought he cheated on me a lot(he did a few times). And the last guy was actually the guy I was dating b4 him and actually left for the guy I'm with now. I heard he had an std but we was messed up and I said no a bunch of times but it eventually happened. I got tested and now I'm waiting for the results.
3. I still have feelings for my ex but everyone thinks he's a scum wigger wanna be. He kinds is but for some reason nomater what he does and how mad I get at him as soon as I talk to him I'm instantly not mad anymore.
4. I want to go to college but my boyfriend won't let me. I think its cuz he didn't graduate and he's afraid I will be way smarter then him or something. He used to hit me but he doesn't anymore. He used to theaten to blow my brains out but he doesn't anymore.sometimes I pus. His buttons just for the fun of it.
5. I used to be a cutter. Not to kill myself regardless of how mad but it actually realieved stress. I did it for attention in a way. I wanted my mom to know I need help. I feel like I'm crazy. 

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