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Friday, August 20, 2010

Keep me warm at night


I'm i a relationship that I'm utterly confused about, I love the person so fucking much but they really don't get it sometimes.. He tells me constantly about all the guys he wants to meet, and how he wants to touch things. I get so jealous and it hurts me. I've never told him and probably ever won't, because I don't want to seem possessive or controlling, but it really breaks my heart to hear the person I'm in love with - and am in a relationship with wants someone other than me. 

My 'relationship' is online and I hate it. Minor things make me want to break up with him straight away and the huge things I laugh off. My friends accused him of cheating on me and deep down I feel he did. He told me it was all a misunderstanding and I was wrong to believe them, "I wouldn't ever cheat, you should know that" Should I?

I've been cheated on in the past and left without a single word. I carry the baggage of a 26 year old, and I'm only 16. I'm a carer for my mother and by the time this is posted will have moved out to live with my best friend in my old home town. I secretly hope I'll find someone there who can take all the pictures of abuse out of my head and keep me warm at night, but then I want to throw myself into the wall for thinking of leaving my current boyfriend.

I wish I could stop looking at women and saying if they're ugly or not in my head. I'm deeply attracted to them and would love to shove them against a wall and take them in the middle of where ever we were. But I'm far too shy to do that. (I'm questioning my sexuality, but as far as I'm aware I'm bisexual)

I spend 90% of my time online because I hate my real life. I hate everything about it. It's like a non stop countdown. I'm much happier hiding behind my words online and talking mindlessly to people from all over the globe.

Extra: I think I crave a mental illness, because no matter how many times my psychiatrist tells me, "You're fine" I still feel something is very wrong with me, and no one's really paying attention, and for that I wish I could just die and not feel a thing anymore. 

[Note]: I love my boyfriend dearly and I didn't post this here just to whine about him. I just don't feel it's very normal to tell your girlfriend you want to touch a horse's dick and that you're looking out for cute gay guys in your school. It's a little hurtful and I wish I had the courage to show him this. But then.. We'd probably end up breaking up.. I'll just keep it bottled. 

Thanks.. <3

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