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Sunday, August 1, 2010

The opposite of easy

1. When I was 6 my parents were going through a divorce. My mom, brother, and I moved in with my uncle. We visited our dad at our old house. One time right when everything was happening a the start of the divorce my dad did something really weird. The girl that lived across the street was older than me, but we played together (she was 12 or 13). We were playing in my parents old room and my dad came in. He sat on the bed and asked her to come over and she did. He set her on his lap and started talking to her and hugging her and telling her how important her family was and stuff--I dont exactly remember. She got freaked out and ran home and then he came to me. He laid me on the bed and got on top of me and started talking to me I don't remember what he said or anything after that until my brother walked in the room. 

2. A year or two later my brother, mom, and I rented a home with her parents. My grandma really upset me one day, I think she scolded me for fighting with my brother, but it was his fault and I got mad at her. That night when I went to bed and said prayers with my mom I said in my head to "god" not to include grandma in the people I care about anymore. The next day she got sick and went to the hospital (she was diabetic). She died about a week later.

3. A few years later I lived with my mom, brother, and new/first stepdad. I was playing with the girl that lived across the street (different one from first secret, different house, different town....). We were looking for the first CD I ever owned that my stepdad got me for christmas that year... the lion king soundtrack (that itself is secret #4.. jk). He took it from me and hid it cuz I played it too loud one saturday morning and it woke him up. We found the CD with his porn collection in a drawer under his bed. I was about 9 years old then. Me and the girl from across the street looked through it all, watch some of the videos, got some ideas. We had a slumber party in my backyard in a tent and invited another of our friends. We all compared the new girl body parts we were getting and did some sexual things with each other. For years after that the girl across the street blackmailed me. She said if I didn't do whatever she wanted me to (which included humiliating myself in front of boys i liked, kissing a boy i didn't like for a first kiss, staying over at her house and doing sexual stuff--she took my virginity when I was 10 with a tampon she made me let her put inside me, etc) that she would tell my mom and stepdad that I found the porn (which she had me convinced  I would be in a lot of trouble for) and she said she would tell everyone at our school I was gay. This went on for about 2 years until I realized that I didn't care what my parents did or what she told the kids at school, I couldnt let her control me anymore. All the kids at school thought I was gay. She never said anything to my mom/stepdad.

4. When I was 18/19 I was lonely, bored, living at my moms with her bf (she divorced the first stepdad when I was 12/13). I just went thru a weird situation (this could be another secret... a friend of mine had a really bad crush on me and I didnt feel the same way about him, but I did have it bad for his best friend who it turns out wanted me too. We waited about a year and then hooked up one night, but talked after and decided we couldn't date so as not to hurt our mutual friend and that we couldn't see each other anymore ie: no emotional attachment and no fucking). So anyway that happened and about a month after we cut our romantic ties I was feeling lonely and went onto a dating site and found a guy who lived really nearby me and we talked for a while online that night and decided meet right then. We met at a diner then went back to his house to get stoned, but we didn't ever smoke because he raped me. I left and went home and never told anyone.

5. So a few years later I'm in college, 21, living in a tiny one room apartment smaller than a dorm room in the middle of the city. My boyfriend was living at home at his parents and I missed him so I let him come stay with me for a while. We never ever really got a long and it was a terrible idea when I let him move into my tiny apartment with me. I found out I was pregnant about a month later when I freaked out cuz I realized I missed my period and took a home pregnancy test. I went to planned parent hood and scheduled an abortion. 2 days before I was supposed to go into have it we got into a really bad fight because he wanted to keep it and I never wanted kids. Things got physical and I got really stressed out and ended up having a miscarriage. I fucked up my entire first and only semester at one of the best art schools around that I was amazed I even got into because of it. And I'm an idiot because we ended up staying together about another year and a half-2 years until I came home from work early and found him cheating on me in my bed.

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