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Nothing so hard as the first step

1. I have so many things I want to let out. I don't even know where to start. I wish I could have a journal or something, but what if someone finds it? At least here, no one knows it was me. Even if they did, my girlfriend is the only one who reads this. (As far as I know)

2. I don't remember what my last five secrets were... so here's to hoping I don't repeat myself... I know I said I was extremely bipolar. I am currently in a horrid rut! Sadly, money does make one happy. If only I wasn't so far fucking behind. I'm so depressed I'm not motivated to do ANYTHING besides drink n smoke pot. Not look for a job or help anyone out, let alone leave my bed.

3. I say I trust my girl, but I don't. I don't know why. I have an anxiety/panic disorder which has gotten better, but between that n the bipolar nut job that I am, I just think I'm preparing for the worst. I check her phone(never finding anything). I panic when she's not around. When I was working I swore shit was going on while I was out. She's never given me a reason. I just really think I'm losing it. Id rather lose it than her though.

4. I feel like a waste. A total fucking waste. I'm so lazy and unmotivated that it makes ME sick. I feel like if I could stay home forever, I would. But that's not me. I like to be useful and prductive... I wish I didn't fuck up in college, and would go back finally. I'm not getting any younger. Yet as I think about this every day, I still procrastinate with my life.

5. I complain wayyy too much. I hate to hear my voice because I know a whiney statement is going to come out of my mouth. Whether it be about me or other people. I flip shit over facebook statuses that are stupid and secrets that are really dumb or don't make sense and especially grammer... I'm overly opinionated but I won't change that cause I don't give a shit what people think. I also prejudge everyone. I know its wrong, but I can't help it.... I'm begining to think I have a personality disorder. I feel bad for what I think, or if someone else were to say something mean..yet I can't help but to continue feel the negative way...

I'm rambling...lack of sleep and abuse of pain killers maybe?

**I too wonder if some of these secrets are real. Some (like one outta 10) seem like some asshole mocking everyone on here with outragous remarks... but what do I know? People could really be lunitics or have a seriously scary life/childhood/mindset. 

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1 comment:

  1. 1. You could always find somewhere to hide a journal. Whether you live alone or with family, you could find a hiding spot. Journals are always good for getting feelings out. I am sure your girlfriend probably knows everything about you and if she is still with you then she must love something about you.
    2. You are not the only one that has days like this. If it is so bad that days become weeks or even months then maybe you need to see a doctor about your problems.
    3. You shouldn't be too hard on your girlfriend. She stays with you for a reason and you shouldn't look for reasons not to trust her. That is going to push her away.
    4. It is never too late to go back to college. I see older people do it all the time. Never be afraid to step out and do something to better your life.
    5. You seem really high strung. Maybe you should find a counselor or someone to talk to. It always helps to get feelings out. I wish you and your girlfriend the best. Maybe there is some way she could help you as well. Talk to her about your feelings.


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