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Saturday, September 18, 2010

You're not the one that's fucked up


1 I moved here almost twenty years ago. I had no friends, no family. I was all alone.  I met my best friend in the whole world here at my job. We were both waiting to be interviewed, we both got hired.  That was a long time ago. She died about 11 months ago, and I still cry for her like it was just yesterday. She's been my soulmate. She was my sister, she was like a mother when I needed one, she was my shrink, she was everything to me. I wish I could talk to her just one more time. I'd give anything to tell her that I am sorry for taking her for granted. I'd tell her that no one will ever love me like she did, and that I will never find another friend more selfless and giving as she. I love you so much.  Sometimes I think about killing myself just so I can see you again.  How can I deal with this hellish life that only you made bareable? If you were here now I would do any and everything to make your life better, and make sure that you know how much I love you.
2 I don't want to deal with life anymore. I just wanna slice open a vein or swallow the right amount of the right pill and just end all this pain that is my life.  I live in an alternate reality that no one can begin to understand. My bf won't try to understand, and how can I ask him to. He can't see or hear my demons. We should just end it.
3 I am so angry all the time.  I imagine myself running thru my office slicing my coworkers throats. Whenever I get pissed at somebody I imagine murdering them and it feels so easy and so perfectly planned.
4 I stole my managers jacket, he had almost $1600 in the breast pocket. He thinks the temp cleaning crew threw it away by accident.
5 At my bf's dads bday party, he asked me to help him get more drinks from the basement. Down in the basement he walked up behind me and grabbed a hold of me. He told me he had a secret to tell me. He finger fucked me while grinding on my ass.  I should have been scared but I came. His fingers are so big and his dick is even bigger. I could feel it pressing against my butt. I came, but I didn't let him know. He came all over the back of my leggings and then he fell onto the stairs,winded. He reached for my and I rushed upstairs. I left out the back door. I haven't been back to their house. I can't tell my boyfriend that this happened. What would he think of me? Whenever he suggests going over there, I lie and tell him that I have to work. When his dad comes to see us, I stay in my room. I feel so bad. When we have sex, I can't get off because I realize that my bf dick is small compared to his dads big ass dick and his enormous fingers, and then I begin fantasizing about it all over again.  I am so fucked up. I am really really fucked up.

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1 comment:

  1. First off I just want to tell you I'm sorry for your loss. But God is the most loving and giving. I noticed you don't seem to be religious but I pray that one day you will see how much God love's you. Just like I did...

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