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Friday, October 8, 2010

ALWAYS a bad option

1. I was a heroin addict for 7years and used intravenously for 6yrs.
   I stole from my family and once worked as an escortfor
    Drug money. I am still with the guy who I used with and 
    Have never told him. In fact I have never told anyone or will,
     Which is why its a secret.

2. When I was 18 I was in an affair with a married man. When his second baby was being born we spent the night drinking and fucking.

3. I was raped when I was a young teenager and I went crazy because of it
For a long time. I hated myself and felt like a weakling because
I didn't fight back hard enough. The messed up part is although
Somehow I became turned on by rape scenarios and rough sex.

4. The aforementioned boyfriend that I have been with for 10 years got clean with me a few years ago. We always though we beat the odds because we 
Got high together and got clean together.  Well I know he is getting high with a friend and kicked him out. The truth is although he is a complete loser
I would do anything to make him happy and just come back. I can't tell him but
Sometimes I feel like abandoning my work and life just to be with him. I even have considered just supporting him until he wakes up. I feel desperate sometimes for him. Sometimes I think I haven't conquered my addiction but just turned it on him.

5. Sometimes things get so overwhelming that I just want to end it all. Between the ages of 15-23 I attempted suicide wholeheartedly and failed. I have stopped my heart for 30 seconds.and was revived only by a code and a subsequent external pace maker.  I just wish someone would love me for me and not what I can do for them. U won't do it, but SOMETIMES it feels like an option.

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1 comment:

  1. Wow. Sounds like you are addicted to said ex. You need to break yourself away from any traces of what you used to be....including hon. Please don't consider suicide, you have been through to much to give up now

    ReplyDelete

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